Activities

A comprehensive guide on how to be a tourist in Perth by following another website’s guide

It appears in my several travels back and fourth to the West Coast I’ve spent more time enjoying my friend’s company than enjoying all the fun exciting things Perth has to offer, which is just ridiculous if you ask me.

So on my most recent travel’s I have followed this guide from the Urban List (and definitely not done all 50) and here is a guide to how it all went so none of you ever have to leave your cosy East Coast homes.

Little Creatures

Went to Fremantle, ran out of money. Didn’t go inside Little Creatures but I saw it with both of my eyes and went to a nearby beach instead and sent a snap to my friends who drink beer. Do that instead.

Jacob’s Ladder

 

Went to Jacob’s Ladder, was more of a staircase. Sent a hilarious snap to all my friends named Jacob. Classic. 10/10 would snap again.

Cottesloe Beach 

Went to Cottesloe on a previous visit. I think we had ice cream? Someone remind me?

The Belltower

Looked at the building which I assume famous facebook page and trust worthy news source the Bell Tower Times is written. Also WTF.

Mount Lawley

MORE LIKE MOUNT FURRY. I’m actually still scarred from the rabbits with boobs and dogs with dicks.
(Side note: this wasn’t on the list so I’ve been scarred for no reason)

Northbridge

Basically Perth’s version of Fortitude Valley. Didn’t really visit this trip but have spent more than one evening at Amplifier which is what would happen if you got all of the people who enjoy the Brightside and combined them with all the people who go to The RE but gave them money because drinks are way more pricey on the West Coast (take note before going clubbing).  However stumbling to the train station via Lord of the Fries makes it all worth it.
Oh and there’s good food and occasionally edible flowers (pictured).

Rottnest

I didn’t go here and I’m still angry about it.

Elizabeth Quay

 

Imagine another city saw South Bank and was like “I want one of those” but they didn’t really have a place for their knock off South Bank so were kind of like UHHH lets put in some weird statues and just build some really fucking tall high rises and spend a LOT of money. That’s Elizabeth Quay. Also I’m still angry and confused (and maybe slightly aroused) by the weird giant ovals.

Fremantle’s West End

It’s kind of like Brisbane’s West End except with ~* beach vibes *~
Good food, lots of hippies but the hippies can surf.

Kings Park 

Most of the things you’d want to do as a “tourist” are at Kings Park.
It’s basically Perth’s poor excuse for mountain but there’s a cool tree and some nice gardens and a pretty dope bridge so you know it’s not that bad. It’s a nice spot for sunset picnics.

Swan Valley 

Run out of money? No problem because you can just stock up on a tonne of free relish samples at Providore and free chocolate from the Margaret River Chocolate Factory next door. The secret is to look like you might actually want to buy something but then not buy anything. Works a charm.

Fremantle Markets

Did this on a previous visit and I can confirm there was definitely people selling stuff. If you’re into exchanging money for goods and services you’re gonna bloody love this.

Gusto Gelato

I walked past this place and insulted my ancestors by pronouncing it so wrong.

Leederville

Right in the middle of Leederville is a place called Greens & Co but nobody told me that it’s permanently graffiti’d to say Greens & Cock.  Lovely area otherwise.

Caversham Wildlife Park 

This wasn’t on the Urban List’s list but by George it should be! It’s just a lot of animals including like two Quokkas (still mad about Rottnest) and a giant freaking Pelican that will just come right up to the fence and I nearly cried because I love that pelican so much. I’m crying right now. I hope he’s happy.

Scarborough Beach 

Not on the Urban List but there were several other beaches that I didn’t visit so this will do.
Surprisingly not that different from Scarborough, Redcliffe except the lack of dope trees that I remember being much larger as a child.
However Scarborough, Perth has some cute bars and a fancy ass hotel. Oh and a beach with sand and water.
It’s perfect for posting a picture on instagram like “Wow! Perth is amazing! Thanks for the sunset! Which you did just for me! Because the sun doesn’t set every day! But today it did! And it did it for me! Wow!”

City girl in the country part 2: The bucket list

Time and time again I’ve been told, by not just locals but people outside of town, that Stanthorpe is a tourist town.
It took me driving an hour north to visit some stunning sunflower fields to realise all of these amazing tourist attractions are right outside my door step.
So I’ve made myself a list of things to do by the end of the year while I’m living it up in the Granite Belt.

1. Visit Girraween without an irrational fear of being murdered

To the best of my knowledge no one has ever actually been murdered at Girraween and just because there is no reception doesn’t actually mean my safety is at risk? But getting lost on the dirt tracks of Girraween has somewhat put me off heading back there since my first visit.  Next time I’m taking photos of the maps and heading to this lovely park without fear of murder! Hell yeah!

2. Go swimming at Boonoo Boonoo

Most people from Brisbane would be familiar with Cedar Creek and Gardener Falls, but just across the border lies the Boonoo Boonoo national park which is known for it’s stunning falls and swimming area.
As someone who loves being around bodies of water (just ask my friends who I dragged out to the dodgiest part of the Brisbane River on my last visit home)  it seems like the perfect place to cool off on a hot summer’s day.

3. Autumn in Tenterfield

Again across the border, I’ve been frequently told Tenterfield is freaking lit in autumn.
As in lit with multi-coloured leaves and just some damn nice serenity.

4. An unforgettable wine tour (and also a forgettable one)

What would be the point of moving to wine country without sampling ALL of the wine. Yes. ALL THE WINE.

5. Save a horse, ride a cowboy

Kidding Mum! (Or am I….)

6. Drink Cider Unironically

Besides wine, the granite belt is also known for apples. And what’s apples without cider?
Here’s a handy reminder, if it’s clear and yella you’ve got juice there fella, if it’s tangy and brown you’re in cider town.

7. Waterfall circuit

Lowkey sort of already did this. But I only did the short walk and saw one of the many waterfalls. So in the words of Ariel from The Little Mermaid “I want more.”

8. See some dang snow

Turns out you don’t have to go to Europe for snow after all. With some predicting this winter to be Australia’s coldest, the chance of snow is likely enough for me to get a wee bit excited (and a wee bit terrified of freezing to death cause your girl does not do well in the cold).

9. Look at the moon but do it at the observatory

My buddy the moon, the cause of most of my problems and yet the solution to so many. Imagine how lit it’s gonna look through a telescope? There’s an observatory at Ballandean around 20 minutes south of town, so yeah I’m gonna REALLY look at the moon.

10. Find some rocks

Not just regular rocks. Those really big ones that make you go “damn, that’s a big rock.”
I’m gonna find them just you wait.

City girl in country town part 1: turns out there’s not just cows and bulls

It’s been 63 days since I left the big smoke and moved to the small town of Stanthorpe.
I always aware of the fact that I would be leaving Brisbane to pursue my career, but there’s nothing that can really prepare you for moving from a city of nearly 2 million to a town of just 5000.

Constantly I was told of how cold it would be as I packed up my life to move to wine country in just two weeks.
I remember driving home from my retail job on the phone to my mum trying so hard not to cry and simultaneously crash. A large group of my friends were already coming to my house that night and it seemed like the perfect chance to give them all the news while I tried to keep it together – somewhat unaware of what I was walking into.

Before I left, I invited just about everyone I knew for one last hurrah at my favourite cafe/bar and had so many people comment on how nice it was to have such a large number people come out for me – despite a few notable absences.
It took me this long to appreciate how easy it was for me to pretty much draw a name out of a hat, call that person up and be like “I’m coming over!”

To go from constantly being surrounded by people I love to just awkwardly hoping someone who I meet for a story will be close to my own age and maybe want to be my friend is the one challenge I don’t think any university degree can prepare you for.

In saying that, there have definitely been a bunch of nice things that I never really had the fortune of enjoying back home.
One of my favourite memories so far since moving here is driving myself out to Storm King Dam – around 10 minutes south of the town – lying on the pier and just looking up at the stars.
It seems corny but there’s no light pollution out here so what you can see is so much brighter and so much more beautiful than you could ever see in a city.

I had the chance to go to my first country show and given I was already a huge fan of the Ekka it was nice to see where all of that starts. It was at this stage where I discovered there isn’t just cows and bulls, but also steers and heifers (which can also be used as somewhat of a nasty insult).

I’ve visited more farms in the past 2 months than I have in my entire life, a highlight being the Nicoletti Orchards where prep-aged Sean told me all about the different apples and trees as we drove around the farm.

I even had the chance to meet a 4-week-old reindeer, something you would NEVER be able to do in a city as they are way too timid (something I never knew about reindeer).

Not to mention, I am constantly given the opportunity to write front page stories. Seeing as there are only two journos in my newsroom it’s something that I don’t even give a second thought, but one of my editors pointed out to me I wouldn’t be given this chance at a larger site.

The people around here for the most part have been very kind and very welcoming.
The produce has this incredible freshness that would not be possible in a metro area.
The parks are filled with more animals than my inner hippy can handle.

The only thing that’s really missing is those strong friendship bonds I’ve leaned on for my entire life.

(and a cinema wtf I wanna see Black Panther).

Better things to waste your time on than the Melbourne Cup

Currently the record time for Melbourne cup is 3:16 minutes but that happened in the 1990s so assuming we’re looking at about 3:30 minutes I have complied a list of better ways for you to spend your time today which don’t induce animal cruelty nor contribute to the very problematic gambling industry.

1. A game of solitaire

When was the last time you wasted a good few minutes playing everyone’s favourite card game?

2. Cook some 2 minute noodles

The great news is because you’ve got a little extra time you don’t have to rush to have them done in two minutes.

3. Enter the Vine Archives

That’s at least 35 vines you can watch in that time.

4. Count to 210

Test your counting skills. See if any of your years of education have paid off for this exact moment.

5. Get Abs

Apparently you can do it in one song? Go on try it.

6. Read the Constitution

No you won’t be able to finish it all in 3:30 minutes so maybe focus on section 44 and try and guess which senator is going to be disqualified next.

7. Pat an animal

Tell that animal you promise to never race it purely for profits because that’s rude.

8. Give your parents a call

If your mum picks up you’ll probably be on the phone for much longer than 3:30 minutes. But don’t worry she’s just excited to hear from you.

9. Find Wally

Good luck!

10. Make a cup of tea

Congratulations on not participating in this barbaric event! Sorry if that makes you “UnAustralian

 

Cin and Liana take Vietnam part two: did you even Vietnam?

Did you even go to Vietnam if you didn’t:

 

1. Get your own tailor made dress

2. Buy a knock off designer bag

3. Bicycle around town whilst fearing for your life

4. Have cocktails brought to you while sitting on the beach

5. Have cocktails brought to you while sitting at the pool

6. Have cocktails brought to you pretty much anywhere

7. Try to barter at the markets and realise you’re complaining about the equivalent of 20 cents

8. Walk down creepy alleyways

9. Continually eat food without having any clue what’s actually in it

10. Take hundreds of photos of lanterns

11. Be sad when you see all the adorable street dogs and know that you can’t pat them

12. Get sunburnt

Cin and Liana take Vietnam part one: what the phở?

Today I’d like to share with you all are very important piece of information that our travel agent failed to ever mention. If you ever want to visit Vietnam you need to have your visa pre-approved BEFORE you leave Australia.

Which is what lead us to running over to Flight Centre 45 minutes before boarding, paying out over $200 each, and freaking the hell out as the time ticked by to get an emergency pre-approval.

Luckily, going through customs with an Australian passport only takes seconds now. There’s no exit forms anymore, your passport goes through this cool scanner thing which is almost instant and before you know it, they’re letting you leave the country. Pretty cool right?

Fast forward eight hours and we’re in Changi Airport. Other than the obvious post plane ride dump (don’t pretend you don’t know EXACTLY what I’m talking about) the first thing we did was head to find a Starbucks. I guess you could say we’re super cultured because for breakfast obviously the best choice was also Maccas – hash browns anyone?

We walked into a few duty free stores, realising that most of this stuff we could just buy as knock offs once we hit Vietnam, and that the duty free prices weren’t really any better than prices back home.

However the highlight of Changi Airport (terminal 2 specifically) had to be the roof top sunflower garden. WHY WAS IT THERE? I don’t even care I was literally so happy to see these gorgeous flowers I didn’t even care that the temperatures were in the mid thirties with humidity so high you sweat from the moment you step outside. It didn’t matter. THERE WERE SO MANY SUNFLOWERS.

A quick bathroom stop, and before we know it we’re on our way to Da Nang, or as the airport code would suggest DAD.  All is well as we travel over and have our third breakfast for the day.

It isn’t until we arrive at the airport that we realise we were meant to get passport photos taken for our visas in singapore. Oh shit.  We stand there overtired, trying to talk to a guy with very little English, who luckily after handing over who knows how much Vietnamese dong, comes back with visas in our passports, ready to be let into the country.

Next, we’re outside the airport with our driver ready to take us to the hotel.  We were pretty soon to discover this country really doesn’t have any road rules. It’s simply just honk constantly and hope for the best. We drove past a literal scarecrow being used as a road works conductor, saw people driving down the wrong side of the road and found 90% of drivers were on motorbikes or mopeds (Macklemore would love it).

At the hotel in 34 degree heat, we strip into our swimmers as fast as possible and jump straight into the pool, ordering multiple cocktails immediately, which during happy hour were as cheap as AU$3.50!!!!

Now that we’re here, bring on the good times Hoi An!

Look we all already know who won…

Are you a European song contest? Cause you’re a vision!

THE VERY REAL AND NOT ENTIRELY MADE UP BUDGET: LEAKED!!!

The Australian Federal Government will be releasing the nations budget this evening, but luckily due to my mind reading and precognition abilities I am able to bring to you now, an in depth analysis of winners and losers of this very very real budget.

THE WINNERS

Coffee lovers everywhere are rejoicing as the government will now be subsidising one large coffee per person per work day to help maintain productivity, especially for the early starters. For the sick people who don’t like coffee, the subsidy can also be used on other cafe beverages such as Chai Lattes or the Humble Hot Chocolate.


(source: junkee.com)

A more controversial winner is Australia’s beloved Ibis’s, more commonly known as Bin Chickens. The $2 billion Bin Chicken Break will provide the long beaked fowls with extra bins across the nation filled with juices, reminiscent of their previous homes.

Those studying for the citizenship test can count their blessings, although some say it’s a bloody outrage, with $400,000 going towards a colloquialism training course. The course will have future Australian’s asking you to chuck a u-ey at the servo to drop into the bottle-o on the way to maccas before you open your first tinny of the night.


(source: buzzfeed.com) 

The forcibly removed tax is the most controversial of them all. It’ll allow airlines to remove four taxes from their flights and replace them with the employee tax. What is shocking is the means in which airlines will be allowed to remove the taxes. Airport security is permitted to drag the taxes down the plane aisles, leaving them bloodied and beaten. Taxes wearing leggings will also be prevented from boarding.

THE LOSERS

The bigoted Australian’s will be the hardest hit by this new budget, with the sexism tax jumping to a massive 23 cents per dollar for businesses that pay based on gender. Similarly the racists of our nation will be carrying a whopping 15% tax for their inability to perform actual human decency.

Coriander lovers (the whole 12 of them) are really going to feel it in their back pocket as the prestigious herb see’s a special unwanted flavouring tax costing Australian’s who purchase the herb a minimum of $20 per leaf. Kale lovers will also suffer, though the more commonly eaten purple leaf will only see a 20 cent increase per leaf. 


(source: videezy.com) 

The department of self-realisation is suffering a massive hit with $50 million of funding being cut from the “self-discovery” program which sent many Instagram bloggers over to asian countries to “experience culture” and become more self-aware.  The program already came under scrutiny when a twenty-year-old female recently returned from India without feeling anymore in tune with her spirit.


(source: buzzfeed.com)

And finally, Clive Palmer is one of the biggest losers this budget with the new dog grog tax which will see an extra 11% tax on dog specific alcohol.
Disgusted
Watermelon wine
Dog is on the grog
No more
Hamburger