Solid Travel Advice I Sent My Friend When I Was Drunk

Picture this, late on a Thursday night, several drinks in (I would hate to count) preparing myself for the long weekend. Suddenly, I am reminded my friend is boarding on a plane the next day, so the obvious response would be to send a long winded list of travelling tips, from me, someone who’s gone ~ travelling ~ once in my life.

Turns out I give great advice so it would be selfish for me to only share with one person. Here’s the version without all the typos (and oddly placed emojis) and a little extra on what sober me thinks drunk me was going on about.

1. Don’t let them kick you off the plane


Timely, considering the whole United Airways situation.

2. Take loads of photos, sell them on the internet


The specific amount mentioned was 10$ but I’m not sure if it’s meant to be 10 photos or selling them for $10. The world works in mysterious ways.

3. Return a changed man, have a sportily reawaken (???)


I mean this is just in general good advice for going anywhere. As for a sportily reawaken? I can only assume this means finding yourself through sport. An odd concept but I support it.

4. Don’t remove any organs


I’d apply this to every organ except for the appendix, if you want that gone be my guest.

5. Prepare the PowerPoint for when you get back with all the photos and lots of stuff to talk about


Keynote and Prezi are also acceptable forms of this assignment I’m now setting for everyone. Please use APA referencing.

6. Don’t!!! Di3!!!


I think the most important part of this is the use of the number 3. It takes it from a standard message of not dying and triples it.

7. Don’t volunteer to fly the plane. This is not going to end well you don’t have your pilot license. DO NOT FLY THE PLANE YOU HAVEN’T TAKEN THE PILOT TEST WOW I can’t fucking believe you would just fly a plane.


If you are a pilot, skip this step.

8. Don’t sell your soul for $5


We can all learn from Bart Simpson.

9. Do sell finger nail clippings


Look this is just down right terrible advice, please don’t do this.

10. Have the tea but not the one laced with cocaine, oh no that’s how you get a drug addiction such a bright future and all ruined with the drugs very sad story


I mean it’s probably best to avoid tea laced with cocaine but between you and me, I don’t think I know how drug addiction works….

11. Don’t give birth while you’re there it won’t be ideal just avoid at all costs, if you want to give birth do it in New Zealand


I’m not sure why New Zealand is the right country to be giving birth but I trust myself enough to go with it.

12. Fly safe blimpy boy


Someone (me) has been watching way too much Simpsons lately.

Hottie One Hundy Tunes From When I Was a Teeny Bopper

Here you go, the hottest tunes that came out between the years of 2007 – 2013, my teeny bopper years (13-19). Take this moment to note that these were my solid emo years so there are going to be a lot of ~depressing~ songs on this list. If you’ve got a problem with the list, send me a fax complaining.

You’re welcome.

100. What Makes You Beautiful – One Direction

The Spice Girls of the modern age also known as One Direction shout out to girls with low self esteem by putting down confident ones. Classic.

99. Don’t Stop Believing – Glee Cast

I bet you forgot about Glee. You’re welcome.

98. Hey Boys and Girls (Truth of The World) – Evermore

What ever happened to Evermore?

97. You Used To Hold Me – Calvin Harris

Before Taylor Swift, before all those big name collabs. Before everything.

96. Practise Makes Perfect – Cute Is What We Aim For

First emo/punk-pop band of the list. Low score because The Curse of Curves is their best song but it came out too early to be on this list.

95. Almost Lover – A Fine Frenzy

As a 14 year old I knew all about heart break and emotions so this song just really ~ got me ~

94. Yes – LMFAO

“Grandmas cookin breakfast she makes pancakes the best
I check my myspace and I got alotta friend requests #YES”

93. I Love It – Hilltop Hoods ft. Sia

Remember when Sia did a song with The Hilltop Hoods? She had a face back then.

92. Make Me Wanna Die – The Pretty Reckless

Jenny Humphrey leaves Gossip Girl to become a full time emo. This song was relatable because high school makes me want to die.

91. We Are Young – Fun.

When you think about it, in comparison I was much much younger than the people in this band when this song came out. So who is the real young one?

Survival Kit For Those Attending Uni For The First Or One Hundredth Time

1. Befriend The Bartender


Trust me, when times are tough the bartenders will be there for you. They’ll supply you with endless amounts of alcohol to numb the pain in exchange for money. If you’re really attractive lucky you might get a freebie on your birthday.

2. Put Aside $1,050 For Your Coffee Fund


Look I’ve done a lot of calculations taking into consideration the exponential increase in caffeine consumption during peak semester periods and this is the exact amount you’ll need (based off the unfortunately person who attends 5 days a week, spending an average of $5 a cup).  No don’t stop drinking coffee and save money, trust me drink the coffee.

3. Get Netflix, and Stan, and Presto, and hulu, and HBO etc.


You’re not gonna want to be that one person who has nothing to contribute to the conversation because you were like “ha! I only need Netflix!” NO. You need them all. YOU ARE MISSING OUT.

4. You Need To Set Aside at Least 24 Hours Procrastination Time Per Assignment


“But Liana, I have weekly assignments for one of my courses!” I literally do not care I’m sick of your excuses, please go and waste 24 hours every week! Why do you think you’re subscribed to so many streaming services?



Literally do you want to be that person at parties who’s like “sorry guys you’ll have to listen to this stupid ad followed by 10 songs that I can’t skip cause I’m a cheapskate and don’t care about helping musicians.”  Literally its only $11.99? If you like bargains get apple music, it’s $5.99 for students. If you don’t have an iPhone your problems are much deeper than we first thought.

6. Join Clubs


This is probably the only really useful tip I’ll give you.  Chances are your faculty will have some sort of club and most of those clubs will have a launch party and launch parties generally have bar tabs. Even if this is the only event you attend its worth it for the free alcohol. Also a great opportunity to meet bartenders (aka your new best friends).

7. Find Out Where The 24-Hour Labs Are Because This is Your New Home


Bring some photos of your loved ones with you because this is where you will be living. Don’t worry most of them have comfy couches and vending machines. If you search hard enough you’ll probably find showers. You’re set for life.

8. Don’t Watch Porn in Lectures


Honestly this shouldn’t even need to be here,  yet on more than one occasion have I been in a lecture theatre where all of a sudden you can hear loud moaning followed by someone realising their earphones weren’t plugged in, quickly shutting their laptop, and running out of the room…

9. The Library Has Books In It, Most Likely The Textbooks You Need…


I know its wild, a library with books? Unheard of. But chances are those $100 textbooks that you most likely don’t even need are sitting in there, silently whispering “borrow me! borrow me!” Free them.

10. When An Opportunity Arises, Take It


For example, if you happen to be at the races and you happen to run into your law tutor and they happen to offer to do cocaine with you… I’m not saying I condone this but you’ve got some mad blackmail on your side for when they try to fail you (thank you Stalkerspace).

11. You’re Probably Going To Fail Assessments That You Thought Were Really Good Because Kingas Is Out To Get You


Fuck you kingas

12. Invest in Gym Gear


Not because you’re going to the gym, but because it’s super comfy and it’ll make people think you actually exercise. Your attempts to always look good at uni will die super fast when you realise that an extra half an hour of sleep is more important than your brows being “on point”

13. Don’t Get Fooled By The “I’ll watch it Online” Trap


No you won’t. Stop lying to yourself, you’re never watching that lecture. You might briefly look at the slides but there is no way you’re actually going to watch that lecture (and for good reason it was probably a waste of time anyway).

14. Please Do Not Bring Your Senior Jersey With You


All this says is “I peaked in high school” and everything’s only going to go downhill for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

15. Don’t Be That Piece of Trash Who “Doesn’t Believe in Social Media”


You’re going to end up in a group assignment with 2-4 people who want to kill you because you’re not contactable. Just make a stupid Facebook profile with no photo, whatever, I don’t care just don’t be that person.


20 Ways To Impress Your Significant Other on Days That Weren’t Invented By Hallmark

Now that Valentines/Hallmark/Singles awareness day has passed it is important to remember that being in love is a full time unpaid job which requires many hours of commitment and several expensive presents. Below are some great ways you can really impress your significant other on any regular day of the year.


  1. Substitute your dozen roses for a dozen noses or a dozen toeses (also consider a dozen Moses’)
  2. Record yourself reading Gone Girl but then put a chipmunk filter over your voice because love is scary but also funny
  3. Trade one of your most valuable Pokemon cards because love is all about sacrifice


  4. Make a twitter account and write a haiku about your significant other every day
  5. Do your makeup in a way that matches their favourite flavour of ice cream (easy mode: Neapolitan, hard mode: choc chip cookie dough)
  6. Go overseas without telling them but then come home eventually because love is full of surprises
  7. Invent a secret handshake to perform only in public because trust is everything
  8. Sell your soul to them for $5 but make sure you stipulate that it’s non-refundable incase they get disappointed (exchange and store credit are fine).
  9. Shine every pair of shoes you can find, including the ones owned by their parents, always want to impress the parents.
  10. #Auspol and Chill?


  11. Break out into song on random occasions because musicals are romantic and thats what this post is about.
  12. Give them a fondue and say “I’m very fondue of you”
  13. Give them several cats and say “I have felines for you”
  14. Give them some chilli because you want to spice things up
  15. Quoth the raven nevermore
  16. Reenact random scenes from Hamlet as you feel the need, always keep them guessing
  17. Invite their tamagotchi to visit yours(source: 
  18. Instead of candy hearts send romantic Doritos
  19. Don’t pay your electricity bill because your romance should be enough spark
  20. Update your Myspace profile so people know you’re official ?

Interesting Things That Are Happening That Have Nothing To Do With Trump

This is a certified Tr*mp free post, brought to you by me, someone who is sick of only hearing about Tr*mp when lots of other things are happening.

The Serious Stuff (actually using my journalism degree):


  • There has been an electrical explosion at a Paris train station, leaving eight people injured. This is only a few days after an assailant with a machete attacked french soldiers at the Louvre museum before being shot.
  • Somalia has a new president! Abdullahi Mohamed Farmajo (If you ever listen to me on 4ZZZ you would have heard me absolutely fail at saying his name this morning), who is a former Prime Minister and dual citizen with the US. He is already facing scrutiny under allegations that large sums of money were paid to some candidates and rival presidential candidates.
  • Vladamir Putin passed a law decriminalising domestic violence. The amendment states that beating of a spouse or child that causes bruising or bleeding but not broken bones will be punishable by a fine or 15 days in prison, should it happen more than once a year. (Excuse me while I go puke over how awful this is) 
  • British Prime Minister, Theresa May, has the approval from the lower chamber to initiate Britains exit from the European Union. AKA, the UK are actually leaving properly now, no more messing around. It was a landslide vote too, with 494 MP’s voting in favour of the law allowing the leave, and only 122 voting otherwise.

Light and Fluffy (cause real news is scary):


  • The Brisbane City Council has hired two dogs to help protect koalas. Please protect these dogs at all cost. [x]
  • There is a pig named Lilou at San Francisco Airport!!! She is helping people with anxiety fly!  Protect this pig. [x]

Things About Me (my favourite topic):


  • My new house has the numbers spelled out with letters! (Cue Homer Simpson:  Get used to it honey, from now on we’ll be spelling everything with letters!) 
  • While we’re talking about The Simpsons, I saw a car with the license plate “Bort” and I didn’t get a photo so what a tragedy? (Also if you’re into sick license plates check out platesofbrisbane on instagram.)
  • The cafe I’m writing this in is really noisy right now, I am shocked at how busy it is!! (If you’re even in Brisbane CBD, go check out Bean.) 
  • I played Animal Crossing: New Leaf for the first time in 3 years and my characters name is Blair and the town is called Eastside. I hate my dumb Gossip Girl obsessed ass. Surprisingly, the town still looks amazing. Nice.
  • I’ve already had two coffees today. Just a little FYI.

A Series of Overdramatised Inconvenient Events

There’s a high chance that if you own a computer and have a decent reliable internet connection you to are connected to popular television hosting website Netflix. And if you are a subscriber to such a site you would be aware that in the past couple of days, Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events has been added to the list of delightful programs available for viewing.

In the spirit of being cool, hip, and relatable to whatever is currently trending, I have created a list of inconvenient things that have happened to me this year so far but in an overdramatic manner in order to make them seem just as unfortunate.

1. I Can’t Find My Yoga Mat


Now when I have my small moments of “man I should really start exercising more” I have such a valid excuse to not do anything. What is yoga without a yoga mat? What about other things that use a yoga mat? Maybe pilates? Am I meant to do sit ups on the hard wooden floor boards? Won’t that ultimately end in injury and/or death?

2. My Cream Cheese Went Off


Cream cheese is not cheap. I shouldn’t even be buying cream cheese but this one particular day I had purchased a bag of bagels along with various vegetables and cream cheese to go onto said bagels. Now my most recent purchase of bagels was completely ignominious due to the fact that as I opened my tub of cream cheese, to spread onto my delicious baked fresh today bagels, I found the creamy white texture I had expected was replaced with a disgusting grey mush which caused me to throw the tub straight into the bin. This is terrible because this was meant to be my breakfast, and breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and without breakfast this could lead to injury and/or death.

3. I Have to Move House… Again


Possibly the most inconvenient of all the events. Moving house sucks. You have to pack, then organise movers, and carry furniture, and even worse when you finish moving you have to UNPACK. And what happens if the house you move into is on a slope that you don’t notice until you’re putting together your bookshelf and all of a sudden all the books fall off and crush you and you get injured or die?

4. I Went on a Pretty Lousy Date


I’m sure some wise old person is standing on a corner somewhere saying something about how you gotta kiss a few toads etc. But this is now two hours of my life that I won’t get back and now unfortunately will be ingrained into my mind forever. What would I have done in that two hours otherwise? Probably watched Netflix, maybe cooked dinner in that time, possibly even slept? And who’s to say how many more lousy dates I will have to go on in my life? And how dangerous they will end up being? What happens when I accidentally agree to go out with a serial killer? WHAT HAPPENS THEN? (Injury and/or death)

5. A Series of Unfortunate Events Only Has Eight Episodes


That is a lot less than I compensated for. This means once I complete all eight (currently 6 down, 2 to go) I will have to do SOMETHING ELSE. Perhaps find a different show to watch? But that is so much effort! I may as well just spend that time SLEEPING but if you sleep too much it might end in injury and/or death.

Review of Academy Award Winning Movies That I’ve Actually Seen

Before anyone asks no I haven’t seen (insert movie not on this list) honestly do I look like I have 1.5 – 2 hours to spare?

Glad that’s out of the way okay, here it is, enjoy (you’re welcome Jacob).

The Wizard of Oz


Best Original Song & Best Original Score (1939)

This movie is pretty great because without The Wizard of Oz there would be no Wicked! and Wicked! is the best everyone go see Wicked!



Best Original Song & Best Original Score (1940)

I’ve seen my share of Disney animated movies and this one is pretty good but not the best. Only one song from it is a banger and a subpar banger compared to future Disney songs. But the little puppet boy has a cricket friend and that’s pretty relatable to me. Also what happens when Pinocchio says “my nose is about to grow?”

Roman Holiday


Best Actress, Best Costume Design, & Best Writing (1953)

I watched this a long time ago because when I was in school learning Italian our teacher believed watching a film set in Italy counted as valuable education. Either Gregory Peck or Audrey Hepburn is pretending to be poor when they’re actually a royal and just casually hangs out in Rome while the other one falls in love. I really forget all the details but I can tell you for certain it’s set in Rome.

Breakfast At Tiffany’s


Best Original Song & Best Original Score (1961)

This ones almost the opposite of Roman Holiday because instead of pretending to be poor Audrey is lying to herself about being rich and is so intrenched in this lie she actually believes it. That iconic scene standing outside the window eating a croissant? It’s cool but way better things happen like when she ditches the dude to go chase her cat named Cat.

To Kill A Mockingbird


Best Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay, & Best Art Direction (1962)

You know how they would force you to read a book for English class and instead of reading it you’d just watch the movie and hope for the best? That’s how you end up watching this movie. Also ironic how a movie that’s based on a statement about racism won all these awards from The Academy which is made up of old white men.

Mary Poppins


Best Actress, Best Editing, Best Visual Effects, Best Original Song, & Best Original Score (1964)

Julie Andrews saves everyone and I feel like there’s gonna be some other films on this list where she does the same thing. She sings some great songs and no one quite knows what Dick Van Dyke’s job actually is (himself included) but its okay because they jump into some chalk drawings and in the end someone dies from laughter. 10/10 recommend.

My Fair Lady


Best Picture, Best Directing, Best Actor, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, Best Adaptation, Best Art Direction, & Best Costume Design (1964)

Why did they cast Audrey Hepburn if she can’t sing, why not let the same person sing and act? I didn’t even realise technology was good enough to dub over the voices back in those days. Wild. Also this film is great because of that line “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane.” But say it like a bogan. Amazing.

The Sound of Music


Best Picture, Best Director, Best Sound Mixing, Best Film Editing, & Best Music Adaptation – (1965)

Once again Julie Andrews is saving the day. Also literally everyone learnt sol-fa from this movie and I think that’s beautiful. Thank you Queen Julie Andrews.

Romeo and Juliet


Best Cinematography & Best Costume Design (1968)

Far out don’t bother watching this one watch the Baz Luhrmann version instead.



Best Picture, Best Director, Best Musical Adaptation, Best Art Direction, & Best Sound – (1968)

I definitely watched this once but I barely remember the movie. I was maybe 12. I also saw the musical when my high school put it on. I think they mention a kangaroo in one song.

How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season Pt. 2!

Turns out there are more ways to be a Scroogey-Grinchy-McHating customer than first imagined in Part 1 of How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season! 

So I present to you, part 2: more pro tips to ensure your shopping experience is pleasant for everyone involved.



I truly cannot believe the amount people will try to get away with? Like who tries to return a block of chocolate they already ate? Because this was something I encountered this week, with this person asking for a new one? Really? Do you really think I was just going to give you another block of chocolate for free? WOW.

2. Don’t be that person who asks to speak to the manager


I’m going to let you in on a secret. 95% percent of sales staff are totally competent. Yes there are a few splattered around who aren’t fantastic at their jobs, but if we know the answer to your question we are going to tell you the exact same thing a manager is going to tell you. You know what else? If we don’t know the answer, we will go and find a manager on our own accord! Please stop asking for the manager they’re too busy for your BS.

3. Don’t be the “If there’s no price that must mean it’s free!” person


Over 100,000 people have already beat you to this totally not hilarious joke The first time it was said it wasn’t funny, it’s still not funny the millionth time. In fact this joke is so un-funny that Harold Holt has returned from the ocean to tell you to stop.

4. Please stop leaving random products around the store


Did you honestly believe that the pair of shoes you no longer wanted belonged on the jewellery stand? Why would you think this? What was it about that jewellery stand that made you go “hmm you know what this stand full of jewellery is missing? A pair of shoes!” Please if for some reason you can’t remember where the item you picked up belongs, find the nearest shop assistant and they’ll be more than happy to put it away for you!

5. While you’re at it, please stop leaving rubbish around the store


I feel like I’m giving away so many shop secrets today, so here’s another one. EVERY STORE HAS A BIN. Wild I know! It’ll most likely be behind the counter so if you do need to chuck something away and for some reason you simply cannot leave the store to find the shopping centres closest bin, chances are we are more than happy to take your rubbish and throw it away! But if you just leave it on a table or on the floor somewhere around the shop, just remember we all have Freddy Krueger on speed dial and will be sending him into your dreams tonight.

6. Don’t be banging on shut doors asking if we’re “still open”


Of course we’re still open that’s obviously why the gate is shut?  NO WE ARE NOT OPEN. What is it about a shut gate that made you think we would still be open? At 10pm? What store is still open at 10pm? Are you at a 7-11? Clearly not because they don’t shut their doors they’re always open. Please go home and go to sleep!

7. Don’t be that person who waits outside the store for the gates to open


Seriously who does this? Haven’t you heard of getting a coffee? Please leave our store in peace while we prepare for the day and once the clock ticks past nine then you can slowly migrate into the store (don’t run), coffee in hand, like a normal human being. What on earth do you think is going to sell out at 9:01? Nothing, that’s what. Take your time you’ve got all day. Or better still please go back to bed and have a sleep in.

8. Check the size BEFORE you buy the item!


I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to queue up for a change room, I’ve bought many items without trying them on, simply guessing my size (and have pretty much always been right) so no sweat there. But if you know you are a size 10, please don’t bring a size 4 up to my counter. Did you even look at the tag? Cause this isn’t going to fit. And then you’re going to want to return or exchange it. And we already covered why that makes you an asshole in part 1. Same goes with shoes, phone cases (I’m sorry but a case for an iphone 5 is not going to fit your 6 plus, why did you buy this?), and rings.

9. Don’t be on the phone while you’re at the counter


Are you on the phone to your dying mother in hospital? If so why on earth are you shopping right now go be with your dying mother. Otherwise, there is no reason why you can’t put your phone down for the 30 seconds each transaction takes so we can tell you important things, like how much your total comes to? And then you can tell us important things, like how you’re an asshole who uses American Express, and in return we can tell you how much extra you’re going to pay for being an asshole who uses American Express. Being on the phone actually makes the transaction take longer because we have to wait for a moment to jump in and say what is needed and then end up repeating ourselves 100 times because you’re listening to the person on the phone. Just put the goddamn phone down!

10. If you break something, tell someone!


Same applies for if you spill some drink or knock over a display. Most stores are really chill about accidental breakages, the ones that aren’t will have signs everywhere saying something along the lines of “you break it, you pay for it.” We only want to know that it’s broken so we can clean up the mess and follow whatever our stores procedure for adjusting stock is. Don’t just leave the mess for someone to accidentally stand on and hurt themselves, please let someone know!

2016: The Year of Realising Stuff

A wise prophet socialite, told us that 2016 was going to be the year of realising stuff

(source: buzzfeed)

So I asked a variety of people, what it is that they realised this year

(Thanks to my brother for that one)

(Thanks mum)

As for me?
I realised my coffee addiction is sending me broke, and not to sound like a corny cliche, but when push comes to shove is when the real friends will become obvious.

How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season!

Oh what a joy the holidays are! Skipping from shop to shop to find the perfect presents for the perfect people!

What a pleasurable time Christmas is, a totally victimless season!
Behind the scenes there are thousands (probably millions) of retail workers pouring their blood, sweat, and tears into ensuring YOU find the perfect present. And every year without a doubt, these poor workers suffer from the scrooges and grinches and the unnecessary rudeness and abuse that comes from them.

Luckily for you I have provided a comprehensive guide on how to not be an asshole this festive season!

1. When someone says “How are you?” all you need to say is “good thanks”


A “great, how are you?” would be even better as you are acknowledging there is a person asking you this question is great. Screaming “just looking!” in that person’s face is not cool. Don’t do it.

2. There will be queues, please be patient


Say you’ve had to wait in a queue for 5 – 10 minutes, when you finally reach the counter grumbling to the person who’s serving you about how ridiculous it is that YOU personally had to wait to be served (because it’s not like all the other people in queue had to wait as well?) without acknowledging that the people at the checkouts are working as fast as humanly possible? Please don’t hurt us with your mean words about how waiting is the worst thing about your life.

3. Sales staff are going to up-sell, if you don’t want it “no thank you” will suffice


It’s the job of the staff to sell you these products. If you don’t want them thats okay! A simple “no thank you”, or “not today” is totally okay as a response. Shoving your hand in someones face and screaming “STOP! I find it so rude when people try to sell me things I DON’T WANT” is not an okay response. Don’t do it.

4. Don’t be complaining when an item you could have easily bought last week is out of stock this week


If you see something you want and can afford it straight away, BUY IT THEN. Don’t come back a week later complaining that the item is no longer in stock when I can guarantee someone in that shop told you that product was going to sell out.  Please don’t abuse the sales staff who have no control over stock when the item doesn’t come back. You put yourself in this situation, you should feel ashamed.

5. Don’t blame sales staff if you don’t like the returns policy


Every store and every company is going to have a different returns policy. Some more lenient than others. You want to know who comes up with these policies? Surprise! It’s not the shop assistants! So if you get told that we can’t process a refund on a set of lights you bought TWO YEARS AGO please don’t hurt the shop assistants, they didn’t make the policy. Also, you’re ridiculous for thinking you could ever get a refund on a set of lights you paid $20 for two years ago….

6. Please stop trying to bargain on prices


Are you at the markets? Are you at a large appliance/electrical goods store? If you answered no to both of these questions then you CAN’T barter the prices! Please don’t get mad at the 16 year old Christmas casual who had absolutely no say in the price of an item. Please stop yelling.

7. You will know if there’s a sale on


If there is a sale on SOMEONE WILL TELL YOU. Or you might notice the hundreds of posters that would have been placed around the store indicating that there is in fact a sale. No posters? No one mentioned a sale? Chances are there isn’t a sale. But go ahead, ask anyway, ask if there’s a sale on. Just know you are disappointing your grandparents along the way.

8. Get the right item the first time!


Did you just buy a shirt in blue but as you were leaving the store and saw the yellow one and decided yellow is definitely more your colour? That’s cool. But no you can’t just swap it over. You can’t just put the blue one back and take the yellow one. You will once again have to queue up so we can process an exchange for you. Remember how you just queued up for 5 minutes and complained about the queues? Remember that? You were probably yelling at someone over it. Please don’t yell at us because you didn’t see the yellow one before. Do you really want that yellow one? Really, really, really? If so you won’t mind queueing up again for an exchange.

9. You can’t use coupons on top of deals, please stop trying


You’ve got a 20% off coupon? That’s great! But you can’t use that 20% off coupon on top of your buy 2 get 1 free. Your buy 2 get 1 free is already better than 20%. Please stop squawking on about your coupon and how you should be able to get both discounts. Please look at the terms and conditions on your little coupon that 100% will say cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer. Please don’t yell about how you want to speak to the manager. The manager didn’t make that coupon.

10. Don’t ask random sales people to use their staff discount


Please don’t tell me Suzie at the Jindalee store let you use her staff discount. First of all there is no Suzie at the Jindalee store and even if there was there’s no way she would let just some random customer use her discount. Either you pay the same as everyone else or throw a tantrum and take your dishonesty elsewhere.