Coffee was first discovered by mortals in the early 10th century when one of those idiot Gods accidentally dropped it (probably Zeus he’s a klutz) along with a Ferrero Rocher. Now seeing as anything dropped by the Gods makes you closer to the Gods (logic?), people started drinking it and gaining super powers.
However this was a very specific strand of Coffee which ran out super quickly because the first person to drink it didn’t think to write down the recipe (thankfully the person who discovered Ferrero Rocher was a bit smarter).
A little known fact about Avocado is it was actually first handed to a small Mexican man by a stranger (who we can now confirm was actually aztec god Xochipilli) in form of a tree as early as humans have existed (in fact possibly before then but none of the dinosaurs I know were willing to be interviewed today). The man, much smarter than any of the Gods, planted the tree for harvest, which today we are grateful as Avocados are now available all around the world.
Five centuries later Coffee was eventually rediscovered in Ethiopia and although they suspected drinking it would give them super powers like the original one, all they got was regular old caffeinated. These people were much smarter than the first guy so they figured they better sell some to Yemen, and Mecca, and Medina, and Cairo, and Damascus, and Baghdad, and Constantinople. Basically everywhere. And luckily they did because if Ethiopia had kept all that Coffee to themselves Coffee may have never met it’s soulmate Avocado.
Fast forward a few years and Coffee is making its way over to Europe. Europe is probably going to take credit for both Coffee and Avocado but really we know both of these were simply creations from being much more powerful and pure than us mere mortals. About the same time – while the world was preparing for it’s sweet 16th (hundredth) – Avocado was heading over.
Coffee tried asking Avocado on a date in a little cafe in Malta, however Avocado was much younger than Coffee and wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment and kindly turning down Coffee.
Coffee was distraught, after all Coffee knew it was a gift from none other than the gods and never had been so rejected it’s entirety of existence. It was after this encounter that people started also saying they didn’t like Coffee and turned to the much sweeter alternative Hot Chocolate.
Avocado continued its journey around the world eventually reaching the shores of Australia in the 19th century via message bottle. A young girl who just happened to be walking along the beach discovered the Avocado but the mysterious stranger who put the Avocado into the bottle was clearly a wizard because the young girl could not get it out. She grabbed a rock (after ensuring that it was in fact a rock and not a rock lobster) and smashed the bottle open, in the process smashing the Avocado. It was in this moment that the most cherished dish by white people was invented, the Smashed Avocado.
Coffee was becoming more and more bitter after its reject and decided to save up to go on Contiki. Coffee went to Austria, England, France, Germany, Netherlands and Poland, in hope that visiting land marks during the day and drinking all night would help Coffee get over its heartbreak. But nothing worked, not even drinking Coffee (a weird cannibal like activity which is frowned upon in most societies).
Along the way Coffee had spread its seeds but because coffee is a magical bean from the gods with powers unknown to humankind, it remarkably made its way to Central America and Indonesia without ever actually going there. Just like any half mortal half God, Coffee became power hungry and rather than using its magic for good, used all its efforts to conquer the entire world.
Eventually Coffee found itself in the hipster capital of the world, Byron Bay, where Avocado in all its various forms (smashed and unsmashed) had been hanging out for quite some time, bonding with the locals and learning to surf. Coffee stared Avocado in the eyes, could it be, Coffee’s one true love was right before it in this small town full of hippies and wannabes? Avocado, much older and much wiser now, saw Coffee and just knew they were meant to be.
And in that moment, the romance of the most unlikely pairing of Coffee and Avocado was reignited which brings us to today, the holy matrimony of the two most Godlike substances on this planet, that us mere mortals never deserved.
As for Ferrero Rocher? It’s just chilling, enjoying the mass production lifestyle.