2016, the year of the fake adult is almost over and now is the time to prepare to be a real adult in just 17 easy steps.
1. Buy an Expensive Looking Light For Your House
Nothing says I’ve got it together like a baroque lampshade featuring stained glassed patterns that glow through the night as you return home from your busy day of being an adult.
2. Stop Chasing Birds
It may be tempting, especially with the knowledge that if you were to race the bird you would most definitely win. But it’s time to stop. Chasing birds is for children and fake adults. Let the birds free, throw them a penny.
3. Have a Discussion With a Stranger at a Bar About the Economy While You Drink an Overpriced Cocktail
This is a triple threat. You’re talking to a stranger, something you should get used to for your consultancy adult job; you’re discussing the economy, a prime topic for adults because everything ties back to the economy; and congratulations you’ve moved on from your basic vodka cranberry to a much more expensive version with a mint leaf, good for you.
4. Return All Your Stolen Traffic Cones
Use that amazing mind of yours to remember all the different locations you have stolen your collection of traffic cones from. Take them back to their origin, where they can be reunited with their traffic cone family.
5. Call Now and Receive a Free Set of Steak Knives!
(source: GIFt Delivery)
Yes for the first 100 customers if you call now not only will you receive this amazing object that we are selling you, you will also receive free steak knives! Steak knives are amazing because you can use them on things other than steak including carrots! Never pay for steak knives again! Call now!
6. Buy a Newspaper and Read it on Public Transport
That’ll show those old hags who said youths only use technology! Be sure to take up as much space as possible as you turn the pages. Don’t forget to do the crossword but give up when it’s 90% complete because you don’t know a 13 letter word for occurring by chance in a beneficial way (Serendipitous FYI).
7. Add More Adjectives to Your Coffee Order
If you are not paying at least an extra 50 cents on the standard price of your coffee you’re doing it wrong. Change the milk. Add some flavouring. Get it extra hot.
For example, rather than a flat white try ordering a three quarter full almond milk double shot vanilla latte with absolutely no froth extra hot.
Make sure you take it back because it definitely wasn’t hot enough.
8. Stop Vague-Posting on Social Media
You know who you are.
9. Get a Costco Membership
Nothing says I am a real adult like bulk buying everything! Bulk buy some batteries, some toilet paper, and even a bag of potatoes. When guests come to visit show them your pantry and how many large packets of cereal and rice you own.
10. Invest in $30 Bottles of Wine Instead of the $5 Ones
Bring it out at dinner parties! Let all your friends know that you bought it from the middle shelf instead of the top shelf! Pour it into a nice looking glass! Drink it! Celebrate! You are now middle class!
11. Wake Up Early on a Sunday to go to the Markets and Eat Some Poffertjes With Your Mother
Let your mother know you are doing well, getting plenty of sleep, eating your greens, and brushing your teeth. As a reward she will pay for your poffertjes and possibly a fruit juice.
12. Visit a Lake House and Discover Yourself Along With a Family of Ducks
Follow the trail of stepping stones to the lake right next to the lake house where a small lost duckling will lead you to it’s family. Don’t be fooled though, the ducks are only near you because of your delicious loaf of bread you always carry around in case you want an emergency jam sandwich.
13. Purchase a Variety of Cookbooks to Display in Your Kitchen
Be sure to purchase ones with famous chefs such as Gordon Ramsay and Nigella Lawson on the cover so people know you are serious about cooking. Learn to use words like delectable, palatable, and succulent when preparing your dishes.
14. Start Watching Less Reality T.V. and More Home Improvement Shows
A great way to transition between the two is watching reality home improvement shows such as The Block but eventually you will come to find Better Homes and Gardens to be quite pleasurable and your home and garden will have never looked better!
15. Throw Out Your Tea Bags and Start Buying Loose Leaf
Tell everyone you like the way loose leaf tea infuses in your 100 degree water so you can really feel the flavour emulsifying through your soul. Lipton simply does not hit the spot anymore.
16. Aquire a SodaStream So You Can Ask Your Guests if They Want Their Water Still or Sparkling
Be sure to also offer other water varieties such as coconut, tonic, or lightly infused with a lemon. Only add red cordial when you don’t have guests over.
17. Put Some Fresh Plants Around the House and Some Fresh Pants Around Your Legs
Fresh plants to show you are caring like a mother to a child, fresh pants to show you know how to do laundry, both key components to becoming a successful adult.