Liana Does Perth Part 2: The Renaissance

Based off my arrival in Perth in 2016 and my continued stay in Perth in 2017, it is my responsibility to inform the public in the best possible manner which of the two Perth’s is the most adequate.

YearProsCons
2016- Discovery of Tony Galanti The Potato God
- Thinking the club was going to be Turnt but it was full of emos
- Discovered a new much cheaper foundation that I liked
- Drank wine
- Didn't get arrested like Buzzfeed predicted
- 2 Hour Jet lag - it's real
- Thinking the club was going to be Turnt but it was full of emos
- No strong opinions on the George Jetson vs Fred Flintstone election
- Not being at Falls festival
- Mecca was out of my shade in my foundation (wtf how many "vanilla" bitches are there out there?)
- Remembered Delta Goodrem
2017- Lord of the fries was an amazing start to 2017
- Dedicating myself to watching all of The Simpsons (and by all of I mean the good seasons) from the start
- Dog Beach had so many dogs
- Drank a cocktail
- Forgot about Delta Goodrem, briefly
- Found a neat looking shell
- The random Perthican (?) who was my midnight kiss was an absolutely terrible start to 2017
- Lack of fresh memes
- Still not at Falls Festival
- Perth doesn't go off on a Sunday?

Cleary, Perth in both it’s junior 2016 and senior 2017 forms have positives and negatives. What lies ahead is only up to fortune tellers and the government to decide.


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Liana Does Perth Part 1: The Medium Haul Flight of Horror

A medium haul flight is defined as any flight between the length of 3-6 hours.
Now this ain’t my first rodeo – and by rodeo I mean medium haul flight – taking a solid 5 hours to reach my destination of Western Australia, I had myself well prepped for the expedition ahead of me.


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Now everyone has different preferences as to how they like to fly, mine are as follows:

  • Window Seat – I like to leave against the corner of the wall and the seat and get comfy in a weird crouched position
  • Warm Clothes – I freeze like you wouldn’t believe on planes
  • Entertainment – An obvious one, but I tend to come prepared with my own shows just in case I don’t like the selection

Being my third time this year that I’ve ventured over to the West Coast, I had my check list all sorted and was ready for an as comfortable as possible economy class flight. My seat was picked, my clothes as warm as the summer heat would allow, and my phone cleared out to make room for my current Netflix show of choice, Mad Men.


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I arrived at the airport with just enough time for myself and my carry-on to make it onto the plane and as per usual despite the way the numbers are called people all pushed their way through the gates with little old me being shoved back behind the masses of people who decided their seats were more important than mine. Here’s a hint to you people, the sooner you get on the plane the longer you’re waiting to take off, idiots.

I finally managed to get onto the plane, despite being in the first group of people called, and as I treaded down the aisle counting the rows, 32, 33, 34, finally approaching my seat – 35K – to notice something not quiet right.

Someone else was in my seat.


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I looked at the numbers again as I’ve been known to stuff up the rows before, but I definitely had reached row 35 and in seat K sat a 20 something blonde surfer dude dressed in the most hideous cargo shorts, t-shirt and snapback combination, sitting next to this girl the tiniest denim shorts you ever saw and a singlet top.

No problem, I thought to myself, I’ll just check if they got the numbers right. I say to the pair “hey sorry, which seat did you guys have?” and before I could even finish my sentence the girl cut me off stating “Oh yeah we actually had the two aisle seats but we’re traveling together so we wanted to sit together.”

I stood there a bit confused as to why the two of them hadn’t simply booked their seats together in the first place rather than taking my window seat that I had specifically planned for.


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“Hope that’s okay” the girl says to me pointing me towards the empty seat in the middle aisle. Being the person I am, I stupidly agreed to let them have my seat, quickly regretting this decision after receiving no thanks for giving up number one on my checklist, the window seat.

I further begin to regret my decision as I notice I am seated next to a young girl who couldn’t be any older than 4, with her father and sister beside her. Behind me, sat a young couple with 3 children, all clearly under the age of 5 including one baby, who I listened to the air hostess reassure the couple that it was normal for the baby to cry.


(source: buzzfeed.com)

Still my five hours weren’t to be completely ruined as I’d taken advantage of Netflix’s download feature and had prepped myself with entertainment for the flight, clearing my small storaged phone of many photos and songs to make way for my 5 episodes of Mad Men.

Turns out all of this was a waste as not only had I managed to be seated on a plane with a built in entertainment system, this built in entertainment system in fact featured the 5 episodes of the show I had planned on watching. Still, not the end of the world, just that if I got bored of my show I didn’t have any of the fun apps and music to turn to as I’d deleted them all to make space for my show.


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As the plane took off, reached the sky, and the seatbelt sign was switched off, the father of the girl sitting next to told her to lie down and have a sleep. Luckily, being small she didn’t take up much more than her own seat. That was until she fell into a deep sleep and began to twitch, causing a little foot to kick my leg at various times throughout the embarkment.

Still no matter, at least I had my warmth? I retrieved my cardigan from my carry-on as the plane got higher and the temperature lowered. To my distress as I put on my cardigan I noticed a giant hole right where the arm attaches. Not a small hole, a giant hole that barely kept my sleeve connected.


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I’d lost my window seat, my entertainment was interrupted by constant kicks from a tiny foot, and my warmth was compromised. All three requirements from my checklist, destroyed. My flight, jeopardised. A most horrific expedition across the country.


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All I can hope now is the flight home isn’t nearly as painful and everything goes according to plan.

The Asshole Awards

Around 2 hours ago I decided that I will be publishing awards for the customers who over this past year have managed to grind my gears the most.

Highly Commended: The Lady Who Already Had a Basket

(Source: weheartit.com) 

I recently had a customer in my store who I saw struggling with her many bags grabbing various items barely keeping it together. Being the un-caped crusader that I am, I immediately went to her rescue and queried if she would like a basket to help make her life just a little bit easier. To my disbelief, instead of the usual “No thanks” or “I don’t need one” that I’m used to, the words that she uttered out of her mouth were “I’ve already got one.” I just stood there in shock because despite the large amounts of bags and various items among her hands and arms, there was not a single basket in sight. To this day I am still bewildered by this experience, it keeps me up most nights. Although this makes for a great story, this lady was not rude enough to win an Asshole Award, but I highly commend her for her efforts.

3rd: The Man With The American Express


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As I’m sure most of you know, there are still many stores around that won’t accept Amex cards. The reason for this being the large amount of money Amex charges businesses to accept their card, many end up not seeing the value. Where I work, being a larger business charges a measly 3% surcharge to customers who do make purchases with these cards. Now only once have I ever in my over 2 years in my job, had a customer argue this point. He started by getting angry at the poor girl serving him that he was going to be charged – wait for it – 33 cents on top of his purchase. Overhearing I jumped in and explained to him that Amex charges businesses through the roof to use their cards making accepting them a loss for many companies, the reason why so many don’t accept them at all. This backfired on me, making this man getting furious that he would have to pay an extra 33 cents when he strongly believed EVERYWHERE should be accepting Amex cards. Congratulations Man With The American Express, you win 3rd place in the Asshole Awards.

2nd: The Lady Who Shouldn’t Have To Prove Her Purchase


(Source: reddit.com)

As the number of purchases per day increases so too does the margin of error. Everybody makes mistakes and sometimes these mistakes can be as simple as leaving an item out of a bag. This one customer who was a victim of leaveth-outeth-ov-bageth syndrome, returned to the store to collect the item she’d had left out. Now realistically, anyone could go into a store and say to a sales person “hey this was left out of my bag” and if we turned around and gave these items to everyone who made this claim, a lot of people would be getting a lot of free stuff. To prevent this all we ask is just to see the receipt to make sure the item has actually been paid for. I asked this lady to see hers which seemed to infuriated her, that for some reason I wouldn’t simply hand over the item without ensuring it had actually been purchased. Once confirmed I apologised for the inconvenience, found the item, and wished her a good day. Apparently still unacceptable as she quite loudly muttered “unbelievable” under her breath when she left the check out area. For this reason, Lady who Shouldn’t have To Prove Her Purchase, you are awarded 2nd place in the Asshole Awards.

1st: The Lady Who’s Phone Call Was More Important Than Her Purchase


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Nothing grinds my gears more than people who can’t put their phone down for the 30 seconds it takes to do a transaction. That’s right 30 seconds, that’s all it takes. As this lady approaches the counter still on the phone, I’m already feeling my blood boil, as she dumps her products on the counter and LITERALLY throws her credit card at me. Now just because you’re on the phone doesn’t mean you’re going to get any different treatment to any other customer; so just like anyone else I begin to tell her about our awesome offers at the counter. Clearly not listening I start talking to her about our amazing calendars we’re selling to which she gives me a blank look and then replies to the person on the phone. With no response I ask her if she wants one. She then says to the person on the phone -word for word “Sorry, the girl at the counter keeps trying to talk to me.” Now if I wasn’t already annoyed enough, at this point I became enraged. For someone to expect they can be served by another human and totally disregard their existence for a phone call which was probably about what brand of organic kale they were going to buy, this is how you get to win first place in Liana’s Asshole Awards.
CONGRATULATIONS LADY, YOU’RE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE I MET THIS YEAR!

Now I will add a little shout out here, to all of the lovely customers I do come across every day, ones who are kind use manners, and treat myself and my coworkers as real human beings. You,  my friends, are the real winners.

Way Better New Years Resolution Than Lose Weight or Save Money

Every year without a doubt thousands probably millions of people will start the new year telling themselves they’re going to lose weight or save more money and pretty much 95% of those people are lying to themselves.  Luckily I have prepared for you more realistic and far more interesting new years resolutions that are easily achievable and you’ll be able to talk about at cocktail parties.

1. Increase Your Spice Tolerance By 1 Level


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It’s time to start branching out from your butter chicken or your lemon and herb Nandos and increase your spice tolerance by 1 level. This will take a lot of training and hard work, many tears will be shed but once your palette can tolerate a higher level of spice you’ll be open to a whole new world of exotic dishes and also will impress your co-workers.

2. Accidentally Join A Cult


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The tricky part about this one is making sure its an accident. You can’t knowingly join a cult meaning scientology is out. But there are plenty of places where you could easily sign up without realising that it’s a cult. The easiest indication of success is when you hear yourself saying “it’s not a cult!” – chances are it is.

3. Tell Joel From Accounts His Numbers Are Out


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Hilarious prank Joel is gonna freak. Great way to start the new year!

4. Start a Meme Page


(Source: http://www.foxconnect.com)

You have the ideas, now all you need is the page. There are so many obscure things people are already fans of like Paleo and racoons – turn them into memes and dedicate any spare moment you have to this page.

5. Change Your Signature Coffee Order


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Perhaps instead of regular Mochas its time to branch out into half strength almond lattes with a shot of caramel.

6. Literally Make a Family Tree


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Not the old style one where you go track down all your relatives and find out how you’re related to Nicholas Cage. I mean go out with your family and plant a tree. That’ll be your family tree now.

7. Put Your Hat in the Ring


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Take this one how you want, metaphorically or literally. You could go find a ring (maybe a hula-hoop) and put your hat in it. Or you could enter a competition therefore metaphorically putting your hat in the ring. Your choices are endless.

8. Pack Your Bags


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Not necessarily to go anywhere but if you do decide to randomly go somewhere the good news is you’re already packed. Never unpack, not for an entire year. Trust me this is good for Zen.

9. Gather Your Friends To Collectively Resurrect MySpace


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Tom from Myspace didn’t die for you to all use Facebook.

10. PAT MORE DOGS


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If you see a dog you gotta pat it! Aim to pat over 100 dogs by the end of the year. Keep a dog-log to keep track of how many dog’s you’ve patted. Doesn’t count if you pat the same dog twice. Don’t discriminate. PAT EVERY DOG.

Review of Academy Award Winning Movies That I’ve Actually Seen

Before anyone asks no I haven’t seen (insert movie not on this list) honestly do I look like I have 1.5 – 2 hours to spare?

Glad that’s out of the way okay, here it is, enjoy (you’re welcome Jacob).

The Wizard of Oz


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Best Original Song & Best Original Score (1939)

This movie is pretty great because without The Wizard of Oz there would be no Wicked! and Wicked! is the best everyone go see Wicked!

Pinocchio


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Best Original Song & Best Original Score (1940)

I’ve seen my share of Disney animated movies and this one is pretty good but not the best. Only one song from it is a banger and a subpar banger compared to future Disney songs. But the little puppet boy has a cricket friend and that’s pretty relatable to me. Also what happens when Pinocchio says “my nose is about to grow?”

Roman Holiday


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Best Actress, Best Costume Design, & Best Writing (1953)

I watched this a long time ago because when I was in school learning Italian our teacher believed watching a film set in Italy counted as valuable education. Either Gregory Peck or Audrey Hepburn is pretending to be poor when they’re actually a royal and just casually hangs out in Rome while the other one falls in love. I really forget all the details but I can tell you for certain it’s set in Rome.

Breakfast At Tiffany’s


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Best Original Song & Best Original Score (1961)

This ones almost the opposite of Roman Holiday because instead of pretending to be poor Audrey is lying to herself about being rich and is so intrenched in this lie she actually believes it. That iconic scene standing outside the window eating a croissant? It’s cool but way better things happen like when she ditches the dude to go chase her cat named Cat.

To Kill A Mockingbird


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Best Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay, & Best Art Direction (1962)

You know how they would force you to read a book for English class and instead of reading it you’d just watch the movie and hope for the best? That’s how you end up watching this movie. Also ironic how a movie that’s based on a statement about racism won all these awards from The Academy which is made up of old white men.

Mary Poppins


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Best Actress, Best Editing, Best Visual Effects, Best Original Song, & Best Original Score (1964)

Julie Andrews saves everyone and I feel like there’s gonna be some other films on this list where she does the same thing. She sings some great songs and no one quite knows what Dick Van Dyke’s job actually is (himself included) but its okay because they jump into some chalk drawings and in the end someone dies from laughter. 10/10 recommend.

My Fair Lady


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Best Picture, Best Directing, Best Actor, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, Best Adaptation, Best Art Direction, & Best Costume Design (1964)

Why did they cast Audrey Hepburn if she can’t sing, why not let the same person sing and act? I didn’t even realise technology was good enough to dub over the voices back in those days. Wild. Also this film is great because of that line “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane.” But say it like a bogan. Amazing.

The Sound of Music


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Best Picture, Best Director, Best Sound Mixing, Best Film Editing, & Best Music Adaptation – (1965)

Once again Julie Andrews is saving the day. Also literally everyone learnt sol-fa from this movie and I think that’s beautiful. Thank you Queen Julie Andrews.

Romeo and Juliet


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Best Cinematography & Best Costume Design (1968)

Far out don’t bother watching this one watch the Baz Luhrmann version instead.

Oliver!


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Best Picture, Best Director, Best Musical Adaptation, Best Art Direction, & Best Sound – (1968)

I definitely watched this once but I barely remember the movie. I was maybe 12. I also saw the musical when my high school put it on. I think they mention a kangaroo in one song.

Review of Random Rom Coms By An Angry Bitter Single Female In Less Than 100 Words

Sometimes I like to spend my time watching movies.

Surprise I actually do things!

Without any common factor between these films other than I’ve watched them and they are Rom Coms here is my opinion on them.

500 Days Of Summer


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This is basically John Green but for slightly older than John Green’s demographic. Zoe Deschanel is “quirky” and “not like other girls.” Joseph Gordon Levitt thinks that’s sexy cause he listens to The SMITHS. But its also done in a style of film that’s really hipster. This is hipster porn. I low key love this movie.

He’s Just Not That Into You


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Why is Bradley Cooper’s face so red? Why is his hair like that? Ginnifer Goodwin’s character is so cringeworthy that sometimes you can’t watch her (which is worse when she reminds you of yourself) Scar Jo is a home wrecker. Drew Barrymore is around but doesn’t do much. Ben Affleck doesn’t want to marry Jennifer Aniston. There’s another Jennifer in there who married red-face-frosted-tip Cooper. Why is everyone attracted to him? Oh and there’s a real estate agent somehow involved. A lot of things happen. Bradley Cooper ends up alone cause he looks like a lobster.

Something Borrowed


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Kate Hudson is partying so hard she is oblivious to the fact her fiancé is having an affair with her best friend. Why did this happen? How did you not notice Kate Hudson? RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE.

Definitely Maybe


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This title is misleading, there’s no definitely’s or maybe’s except in one scene, I think someone says that line. Ryan Reynolds going for a walk down memory lane telling his kid way too much information about his past cause she’s sad he’s getting divorced. Then the kid encouraging him to chase down the love his life who, by the way, isn’t her mother? Classic. Too bad the kid doesn’t know her dad is secretly Deadpool.

The Proposal


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The best part is when Betty White is in the forest chanting and Sandra Bullock is singing Get Low and about sweat dripping down her balls.

Love Actually


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So many things happen. Hugh Grant is the Prime Minister, Colin Firth is writing a book and flirting with someone who can’t speak English. Liam Neeson knows where his child is, Nanny Mcphee is married to Snape, Keira Knightley is also married, but the dudes best friend wants her (SOUND LIKE ANOTHER MOVIE I JUST MENTIONED?), Martin Freeman is a porn star, Bill Nighy is singing a terrible Christmas Song and everyone is wearing turtle necks. Mr Bean also pops up at one point and it’s great. This movie is great.

Valentines Day


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This movie wishes it was Love Actually so a lot of things happen. Ashton Kutcher is engaged, everyone is shocked, Jennifer Garner is being cheated on or cheated with I forget, Taylor Swift is dating Taylor Lautner but in real life yet somehow still can’t act like it (conspiracy?), Bradley Cooper doesn’t look like a lobster, Emma Roberts wants to get laid, there’s some old people, a small child and Princess Mia is into phone sex. There’s probably other things but this movie made so little of an impression that I forget.

Seeking A Friend At The End Of The World


(source: InqPop!)

I only watched this cause Netflix kept telling me to. SPOILER: THEY DON’T END UP AS FRIENDS AND IT IS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE KEIRA KNIGHTLY IS 12 AND STEVE CARRELL IS LIKE 50!!!!! Don’t watch this, not worth it.

Are We Officially Dating?


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Kind of like a High School Musical sequel except no singing, no dancing, no high school, no Sharpay or Gabriella or anyone else who isn’t Zac Efron. Miles Teller is also here – surprisingly not with Shailene Woodley – and Michael B Jordan (not the basketballer who is famous for being in Space Jam). Everyone is lying to each other about dating (or in one case marrying) except Zefron who’s just lying to himself. Until he’s not. Then everyone gets the girl. Amazing and not entirely predictable at all.

 

Top 40 Songs of This Year Reviewed In Under 80 Words

A credit goes to this junkee article which has inspired me to demonstrate:

  1. Liana does actually do things! (listen to music)
  2. Share my opinion which I know everyone wants

I’m basing these off the charts over at Billboard  so if you’re like “no Kendrick should have won!” (yes I’m talking to you Jacob) go argue with Billboard.

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40. Same Old Love – Selena Gomez 

Remember back when Selena was Selena Gomez and The Scene? What happened to the Scene? Is that the love that she is now sick of? Someone call Selena I need to know.

39. Here – Alessia Cara 

You know those songs you’ve heard a million times and you know it and can sort of mumble along to the lyrics when you’ve had enough vodka cranberries but you’ve got no clue what it’s called or who sings it. Turns out it’s this song.

38. i hate u, i love u – Gnash feat. Olivia O’Brien 

As someone who’s a big fan of capitalising proper nouns I’ve already taken a strong disliking to this song. Also because Ne*Yo and Rihanna did a much better version in 2007.

37. Jumpman – Drake and Future

Jumpman sounds an awful lot like young man. And you know what they say about young man? It’s fun to stay at the YMCA.

36. Dangerous Woman – Ariana Grande 

The entirety of this film clip is Ariana wearing lingerie from about 3 different angles in different colour filters flicking her hair and touching her face. What exactly was it that made you feel like a dangerous woman again?

35. Don’t – Bryson Tiller

It makes me proud to know that the formula for hip-hop music videos has not changed at all since the early 2000’s. The only thing missing from this is a sidekick phone, someone get this guy a hiptop!

34. Broccoli – D.R.A.M feat Lil Yatchy

I really tried to understand this song, I really did. I have a feeling they might not be talking about broccoli the vegetable though…

33. Just Like Fire – P!nk

I don’t think P!nk has legitmately written an actual new song since her Funhouse album in 2008. Also this song was written for a Tim Burton film, who also hasn’t legimtalely made a new film since Sweeney Todd in 2007 so it seems fitting.

32. The Hills – The Weeknd 

I am forever grateful to this song for blessing us with the lyrics “I’m just tryna get you out the friendzone” and “I just fucked two bitches ‘fore I saw you.” Pure genius.

31. What Do You Mean – Justin Bieber

I legitimately love this song purely because it so highly contributes to Justin Bieber’s year of the soccer mum (see Sorry and Where Are U Now). Also cause you can apply it to so many situations: Got an F on your assignment? “What do you mean?” Getting fired from your job? “What do you mean?” Store manager won’t give you a refund on two year old lights they don’t sell anymore? “What do you mean?”

How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season Pt. 2!

Turns out there are more ways to be a Scroogey-Grinchy-McHating customer than first imagined in Part 1 of How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season! 

So I present to you, part 2: more pro tips to ensure your shopping experience is pleasant for everyone involved.

1. For The Love of All Things Good, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO RETURN ITEMS YOU ARE CLEARLY NEVER GOING TO GET A REFUND ON???

(source: working-retail-sucks.tumblr.com)

I truly cannot believe the amount people will try to get away with? Like who tries to return a block of chocolate they already ate? Because this was something I encountered this week, with this person asking for a new one? Really? Do you really think I was just going to give you another block of chocolate for free? WOW.

2. Don’t be that person who asks to speak to the manager

(source: thefinalpoints.com)

I’m going to let you in on a secret. 95% percent of sales staff are totally competent. Yes there are a few splattered around who aren’t fantastic at their jobs, but if we know the answer to your question we are going to tell you the exact same thing a manager is going to tell you. You know what else? If we don’t know the answer, we will go and find a manager on our own accord! Please stop asking for the manager they’re too busy for your BS.

3. Don’t be the “If there’s no price that must mean it’s free!” person

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Over 100,000 people have already beat you to this totally not hilarious joke The first time it was said it wasn’t funny, it’s still not funny the millionth time. In fact this joke is so un-funny that Harold Holt has returned from the ocean to tell you to stop.

4. Please stop leaving random products around the store

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Did you honestly believe that the pair of shoes you no longer wanted belonged on the jewellery stand? Why would you think this? What was it about that jewellery stand that made you go “hmm you know what this stand full of jewellery is missing? A pair of shoes!” Please if for some reason you can’t remember where the item you picked up belongs, find the nearest shop assistant and they’ll be more than happy to put it away for you!

5. While you’re at it, please stop leaving rubbish around the store

(source: alexisharrow.wordpress.com

I feel like I’m giving away so many shop secrets today, so here’s another one. EVERY STORE HAS A BIN. Wild I know! It’ll most likely be behind the counter so if you do need to chuck something away and for some reason you simply cannot leave the store to find the shopping centres closest bin, chances are we are more than happy to take your rubbish and throw it away! But if you just leave it on a table or on the floor somewhere around the shop, just remember we all have Freddy Krueger on speed dial and will be sending him into your dreams tonight.

6. Don’t be banging on shut doors asking if we’re “still open”

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Of course we’re still open that’s obviously why the gate is shut?  NO WE ARE NOT OPEN. What is it about a shut gate that made you think we would still be open? At 10pm? What store is still open at 10pm? Are you at a 7-11? Clearly not because they don’t shut their doors they’re always open. Please go home and go to sleep!

7. Don’t be that person who waits outside the store for the gates to open

(source: comedycentral.com) 

Seriously who does this? Haven’t you heard of getting a coffee? Please leave our store in peace while we prepare for the day and once the clock ticks past nine then you can slowly migrate into the store (don’t run), coffee in hand, like a normal human being. What on earth do you think is going to sell out at 9:01? Nothing, that’s what. Take your time you’ve got all day. Or better still please go back to bed and have a sleep in.

8. Check the size BEFORE you buy the item!

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I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to queue up for a change room, I’ve bought many items without trying them on, simply guessing my size (and have pretty much always been right) so no sweat there. But if you know you are a size 10, please don’t bring a size 4 up to my counter. Did you even look at the tag? Cause this isn’t going to fit. And then you’re going to want to return or exchange it. And we already covered why that makes you an asshole in part 1. Same goes with shoes, phone cases (I’m sorry but a case for an iphone 5 is not going to fit your 6 plus, why did you buy this?), and rings.

9. Don’t be on the phone while you’re at the counter

(source: retailrecalls.wordpress.com

Are you on the phone to your dying mother in hospital? If so why on earth are you shopping right now go be with your dying mother. Otherwise, there is no reason why you can’t put your phone down for the 30 seconds each transaction takes so we can tell you important things, like how much your total comes to? And then you can tell us important things, like how you’re an asshole who uses American Express, and in return we can tell you how much extra you’re going to pay for being an asshole who uses American Express. Being on the phone actually makes the transaction take longer because we have to wait for a moment to jump in and say what is needed and then end up repeating ourselves 100 times because you’re listening to the person on the phone. Just put the goddamn phone down!

10. If you break something, tell someone!

(source: mmylifeinretail.wordpress.com)

Same applies for if you spill some drink or knock over a display. Most stores are really chill about accidental breakages, the ones that aren’t will have signs everywhere saying something along the lines of “you break it, you pay for it.” We only want to know that it’s broken so we can clean up the mess and follow whatever our stores procedure for adjusting stock is. Don’t just leave the mess for someone to accidentally stand on and hurt themselves, please let someone know!

The Ultimate Secret Santa Guide

Finally, everyone’s favourite time of year has come around where you must purchase a gift for a mystery acquaintance in exchange for a different mystery acquaintance purchasing you a gift! And this all must be done within what is most likely a tiny little budget! Luckily for you I have put together a guide for a variety of budgets of gifts that’ll please everyone from Sharon in Accounting to Gregory the Vegan.

$5 Gifts

Magic 8 Ball 

“Will I still have a job next year?” “Should I spend $200 on one pair of shoes?” “When is Kelsey going to propose?”
all questions that can be answered by this amazing $5 gift!

Wooden Finger Symbol

A great way to subtly say “f*ck you Lucy I’m still not over you sleeping with my husband” but in a “haha how funny is this, giving the finger!!”

Celery

It’s vegan, it’s paleo, it’s gluten free, it’s low calorie, it’s everyones dream! It’s celery.

Nails

Look at this fancy ass nail. You could build some good stuff with it, maybe a table. You could truly inspire someone in your office to make something amazing!

Play-Doh

Remind your super lucky Secret Santa that their years are withering away with this nostalgic gift that they will most likely be passing onto their children anyway!

$10 Gifts

Nail Polish

As I’ve stated in a previous post, there is no reason gender should play a part in whether you should paint your nails or not. Give nail polish to your male co-worker, I dare you.

10 x $1 scratchies 

Amazing, it’s like a lazy gift for you but so much effort for the receiver with a chance they might not win anything! Isn’t Christmas an amazing time of year?
(available at your local news agent)

Reindeer Eye Mask

There is not one person on the planet who doesn’t secretly wish they owned this eye mask. Look at that little nose! Perfect for Secret Santa.

16 Piece Cutlery Set

What is gift giving without a few passive-aggressive messages being sent to your co-workers? Give this 16 piece cutlery set to Dave because everyone know’s its him who’s been stealing all the forks out of the kitchen. Give it up Dave, we know it’s you.

Christmas Storm Trooper Socks

Christmas and Star Wars all together in one pair of socks! Even Vegan Gregory is going to be happy with these!

$20 Gifts

Sad Pepe Mug

Chances are you probably want this for yourself because who doesn’t want a Sad Pepe mug? Just know its going to a good home.

A 12 Months Subscription For Cosmo

There’s also a selfish motive to this because you could win a share in $50,000 and who doesn’t want that?

Smashed Avocado

Sure the price for this one is going to vary, this is just a generic one from The Coffee Club. Get a smahed avo from your local hipster cafe, or this generic one from the The Coffee Club it’s totally up to you. Just consider it money well spent.

Rubik’s Cube

An even more subtle way of saying “f*ck you Lucy I’m still not over you sleeping with my husband” but much more passively aggressively than literally just giving the finger.

Remote Control Ferrari

It’s a great prank because you can go on for weeks about how you got your Secret Santa a Ferrari and everyone will be like “as if you got a Ferrari for $20!” The real reward is watching everyone’s faces when they realise you did IN FACT get a Ferrari for $20.

 

2016: The Year of Realising Stuff

A wise prophet socialite, told us that 2016 was going to be the year of realising stuff

(source: buzzfeed)

So I asked a variety of people, what it is that they realised this year

(Thanks to my brother for that one)

(Thanks mum)

As for me?
I realised my coffee addiction is sending me broke, and not to sound like a corny cliche, but when push comes to shove is when the real friends will become obvious.