Oh what a joy the holidays are! Skipping from shop to shop to find the perfect presents for the perfect people!
What a pleasurable time Christmas is, a totally victimless season!
Behind the scenes there are thousands (probably millions) of retail workers pouring their blood, sweat, and tears into ensuring YOU find the perfect present. And every year without a doubt, these poor workers suffer from the scrooges and grinches and the unnecessary rudeness and abuse that comes from them.
Luckily for you I have provided a comprehensive guide on how to not be an asshole this festive season!
1. When someone says “How are you?” all you need to say is “good thanks”
A “great, how are you?” would be even better as you are acknowledging there is a person asking you this question is great. Screaming “just looking!” in that person’s face is not cool. Don’t do it.
2. There will be queues, please be patient
Say you’ve had to wait in a queue for 5 – 10 minutes, when you finally reach the counter grumbling to the person who’s serving you about how ridiculous it is that YOU personally had to wait to be served (because it’s not like all the other people in queue had to wait as well?) without acknowledging that the people at the checkouts are working as fast as humanly possible? Please don’t hurt us with your mean words about how waiting is the worst thing about your life.
3. Sales staff are going to up-sell, if you don’t want it “no thank you” will suffice
It’s the job of the staff to sell you these products. If you don’t want them thats okay! A simple “no thank you”, or “not today” is totally okay as a response. Shoving your hand in someones face and screaming “STOP! I find it so rude when people try to sell me things I DON’T WANT” is not an okay response. Don’t do it.
4. Don’t be complaining when an item you could have easily bought last week is out of stock this week
If you see something you want and can afford it straight away, BUY IT THEN. Don’t come back a week later complaining that the item is no longer in stock when I can guarantee someone in that shop told you that product was going to sell out. Please don’t abuse the sales staff who have no control over stock when the item doesn’t come back. You put yourself in this situation, you should feel ashamed.
5. Don’t blame sales staff if you don’t like the returns policy
Every store and every company is going to have a different returns policy. Some more lenient than others. You want to know who comes up with these policies? Surprise! It’s not the shop assistants! So if you get told that we can’t process a refund on a set of lights you bought TWO YEARS AGO please don’t hurt the shop assistants, they didn’t make the policy. Also, you’re ridiculous for thinking you could ever get a refund on a set of lights you paid $20 for two years ago….
6. Please stop trying to bargain on prices
Are you at the markets? Are you at a large appliance/electrical goods store? If you answered no to both of these questions then you CAN’T barter the prices! Please don’t get mad at the 16 year old Christmas casual who had absolutely no say in the price of an item. Please stop yelling.
7. You will know if there’s a sale on
If there is a sale on SOMEONE WILL TELL YOU. Or you might notice the hundreds of posters that would have been placed around the store indicating that there is in fact a sale. No posters? No one mentioned a sale? Chances are there isn’t a sale. But go ahead, ask anyway, ask if there’s a sale on. Just know you are disappointing your grandparents along the way.
8. Get the right item the first time!
Did you just buy a shirt in blue but as you were leaving the store and saw the yellow one and decided yellow is definitely more your colour? That’s cool. But no you can’t just swap it over. You can’t just put the blue one back and take the yellow one. You will once again have to queue up so we can process an exchange for you. Remember how you just queued up for 5 minutes and complained about the queues? Remember that? You were probably yelling at someone over it. Please don’t yell at us because you didn’t see the yellow one before. Do you really want that yellow one? Really, really, really? If so you won’t mind queueing up again for an exchange.
9. You can’t use coupons on top of deals, please stop trying
You’ve got a 20% off coupon? That’s great! But you can’t use that 20% off coupon on top of your buy 2 get 1 free. Your buy 2 get 1 free is already better than 20%. Please stop squawking on about your coupon and how you should be able to get both discounts. Please look at the terms and conditions on your little coupon that 100% will say cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer. Please don’t yell about how you want to speak to the manager. The manager didn’t make that coupon.
10. Don’t ask random sales people to use their staff discount
Please don’t tell me Suzie at the Jindalee store let you use her staff discount. First of all there is no Suzie at the Jindalee store and even if there was there’s no way she would let just some random customer use her discount. Either you pay the same as everyone else or throw a tantrum and take your dishonesty elsewhere.