How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season Pt. 2!

Turns out there are more ways to be a Scroogey-Grinchy-McHating customer than first imagined in Part 1 of How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season! 

So I present to you, part 2: more pro tips to ensure your shopping experience is pleasant for everyone involved.



I truly cannot believe the amount people will try to get away with? Like who tries to return a block of chocolate they already ate? Because this was something I encountered this week, with this person asking for a new one? Really? Do you really think I was just going to give you another block of chocolate for free? WOW.

2. Don’t be that person who asks to speak to the manager


I’m going to let you in on a secret. 95% percent of sales staff are totally competent. Yes there are a few splattered around who aren’t fantastic at their jobs, but if we know the answer to your question we are going to tell you the exact same thing a manager is going to tell you. You know what else? If we don’t know the answer, we will go and find a manager on our own accord! Please stop asking for the manager they’re too busy for your BS.

3. Don’t be the “If there’s no price that must mean it’s free!” person


Over 100,000 people have already beat you to this totally not hilarious joke The first time it was said it wasn’t funny, it’s still not funny the millionth time. In fact this joke is so un-funny that Harold Holt has returned from the ocean to tell you to stop.

4. Please stop leaving random products around the store


Did you honestly believe that the pair of shoes you no longer wanted belonged on the jewellery stand? Why would you think this? What was it about that jewellery stand that made you go “hmm you know what this stand full of jewellery is missing? A pair of shoes!” Please if for some reason you can’t remember where the item you picked up belongs, find the nearest shop assistant and they’ll be more than happy to put it away for you!

5. While you’re at it, please stop leaving rubbish around the store


I feel like I’m giving away so many shop secrets today, so here’s another one. EVERY STORE HAS A BIN. Wild I know! It’ll most likely be behind the counter so if you do need to chuck something away and for some reason you simply cannot leave the store to find the shopping centres closest bin, chances are we are more than happy to take your rubbish and throw it away! But if you just leave it on a table or on the floor somewhere around the shop, just remember we all have Freddy Krueger on speed dial and will be sending him into your dreams tonight.

6. Don’t be banging on shut doors asking if we’re “still open”


Of course we’re still open that’s obviously why the gate is shut?  NO WE ARE NOT OPEN. What is it about a shut gate that made you think we would still be open? At 10pm? What store is still open at 10pm? Are you at a 7-11? Clearly not because they don’t shut their doors they’re always open. Please go home and go to sleep!

7. Don’t be that person who waits outside the store for the gates to open


Seriously who does this? Haven’t you heard of getting a coffee? Please leave our store in peace while we prepare for the day and once the clock ticks past nine then you can slowly migrate into the store (don’t run), coffee in hand, like a normal human being. What on earth do you think is going to sell out at 9:01? Nothing, that’s what. Take your time you’ve got all day. Or better still please go back to bed and have a sleep in.

8. Check the size BEFORE you buy the item!


I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to queue up for a change room, I’ve bought many items without trying them on, simply guessing my size (and have pretty much always been right) so no sweat there. But if you know you are a size 10, please don’t bring a size 4 up to my counter. Did you even look at the tag? Cause this isn’t going to fit. And then you’re going to want to return or exchange it. And we already covered why that makes you an asshole in part 1. Same goes with shoes, phone cases (I’m sorry but a case for an iphone 5 is not going to fit your 6 plus, why did you buy this?), and rings.

9. Don’t be on the phone while you’re at the counter


Are you on the phone to your dying mother in hospital? If so why on earth are you shopping right now go be with your dying mother. Otherwise, there is no reason why you can’t put your phone down for the 30 seconds each transaction takes so we can tell you important things, like how much your total comes to? And then you can tell us important things, like how you’re an asshole who uses American Express, and in return we can tell you how much extra you’re going to pay for being an asshole who uses American Express. Being on the phone actually makes the transaction take longer because we have to wait for a moment to jump in and say what is needed and then end up repeating ourselves 100 times because you’re listening to the person on the phone. Just put the goddamn phone down!

10. If you break something, tell someone!


Same applies for if you spill some drink or knock over a display. Most stores are really chill about accidental breakages, the ones that aren’t will have signs everywhere saying something along the lines of “you break it, you pay for it.” We only want to know that it’s broken so we can clean up the mess and follow whatever our stores procedure for adjusting stock is. Don’t just leave the mess for someone to accidentally stand on and hurt themselves, please let someone know!

The Ultimate Secret Santa Guide

Finally, everyone’s favourite time of year has come around where you must purchase a gift for a mystery acquaintance in exchange for a different mystery acquaintance purchasing you a gift! And this all must be done within what is most likely a tiny little budget! Luckily for you I have put together a guide for a variety of budgets of gifts that’ll please everyone from Sharon in Accounting to Gregory the Vegan.

$5 Gifts

Magic 8 Ball 

“Will I still have a job next year?” “Should I spend $200 on one pair of shoes?” “When is Kelsey going to propose?”
all questions that can be answered by this amazing $5 gift!

Wooden Finger Symbol

A great way to subtly say “f*ck you Lucy I’m still not over you sleeping with my husband” but in a “haha how funny is this, giving the finger!!”


It’s vegan, it’s paleo, it’s gluten free, it’s low calorie, it’s everyones dream! It’s celery.


Look at this fancy ass nail. You could build some good stuff with it, maybe a table. You could truly inspire someone in your office to make something amazing!


Remind your super lucky Secret Santa that their years are withering away with this nostalgic gift that they will most likely be passing onto their children anyway!

$10 Gifts

Nail Polish

As I’ve stated in a previous post, there is no reason gender should play a part in whether you should paint your nails or not. Give nail polish to your male co-worker, I dare you.

10 x $1 scratchies 

Amazing, it’s like a lazy gift for you but so much effort for the receiver with a chance they might not win anything! Isn’t Christmas an amazing time of year?
(available at your local news agent)

Reindeer Eye Mask

There is not one person on the planet who doesn’t secretly wish they owned this eye mask. Look at that little nose! Perfect for Secret Santa.

16 Piece Cutlery Set

What is gift giving without a few passive-aggressive messages being sent to your co-workers? Give this 16 piece cutlery set to Dave because everyone know’s its him who’s been stealing all the forks out of the kitchen. Give it up Dave, we know it’s you.

Christmas Storm Trooper Socks

Christmas and Star Wars all together in one pair of socks! Even Vegan Gregory is going to be happy with these!

$20 Gifts

Sad Pepe Mug

Chances are you probably want this for yourself because who doesn’t want a Sad Pepe mug? Just know its going to a good home.

A 12 Months Subscription For Cosmo

There’s also a selfish motive to this because you could win a share in $50,000 and who doesn’t want that?

Smashed Avocado

Sure the price for this one is going to vary, this is just a generic one from The Coffee Club. Get a smahed avo from your local hipster cafe, or this generic one from the The Coffee Club it’s totally up to you. Just consider it money well spent.

Rubik’s Cube

An even more subtle way of saying “f*ck you Lucy I’m still not over you sleeping with my husband” but much more passively aggressively than literally just giving the finger.

Remote Control Ferrari

It’s a great prank because you can go on for weeks about how you got your Secret Santa a Ferrari and everyone will be like “as if you got a Ferrari for $20!” The real reward is watching everyone’s faces when they realise you did IN FACT get a Ferrari for $20.


2016: The Year of Realising Stuff

A wise prophet socialite, told us that 2016 was going to be the year of realising stuff

(source: buzzfeed)

So I asked a variety of people, what it is that they realised this year

(Thanks to my brother for that one)

(Thanks mum)

As for me?
I realised my coffee addiction is sending me broke, and not to sound like a corny cliche, but when push comes to shove is when the real friends will become obvious.

How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season!

Oh what a joy the holidays are! Skipping from shop to shop to find the perfect presents for the perfect people!

What a pleasurable time Christmas is, a totally victimless season!
Behind the scenes there are thousands (probably millions) of retail workers pouring their blood, sweat, and tears into ensuring YOU find the perfect present. And every year without a doubt, these poor workers suffer from the scrooges and grinches and the unnecessary rudeness and abuse that comes from them.

Luckily for you I have provided a comprehensive guide on how to not be an asshole this festive season!

1. When someone says “How are you?” all you need to say is “good thanks”


A “great, how are you?” would be even better as you are acknowledging there is a person asking you this question is great. Screaming “just looking!” in that person’s face is not cool. Don’t do it.

2. There will be queues, please be patient


Say you’ve had to wait in a queue for 5 – 10 minutes, when you finally reach the counter grumbling to the person who’s serving you about how ridiculous it is that YOU personally had to wait to be served (because it’s not like all the other people in queue had to wait as well?) without acknowledging that the people at the checkouts are working as fast as humanly possible? Please don’t hurt us with your mean words about how waiting is the worst thing about your life.

3. Sales staff are going to up-sell, if you don’t want it “no thank you” will suffice


It’s the job of the staff to sell you these products. If you don’t want them thats okay! A simple “no thank you”, or “not today” is totally okay as a response. Shoving your hand in someones face and screaming “STOP! I find it so rude when people try to sell me things I DON’T WANT” is not an okay response. Don’t do it.

4. Don’t be complaining when an item you could have easily bought last week is out of stock this week


If you see something you want and can afford it straight away, BUY IT THEN. Don’t come back a week later complaining that the item is no longer in stock when I can guarantee someone in that shop told you that product was going to sell out.  Please don’t abuse the sales staff who have no control over stock when the item doesn’t come back. You put yourself in this situation, you should feel ashamed.

5. Don’t blame sales staff if you don’t like the returns policy


Every store and every company is going to have a different returns policy. Some more lenient than others. You want to know who comes up with these policies? Surprise! It’s not the shop assistants! So if you get told that we can’t process a refund on a set of lights you bought TWO YEARS AGO please don’t hurt the shop assistants, they didn’t make the policy. Also, you’re ridiculous for thinking you could ever get a refund on a set of lights you paid $20 for two years ago….

6. Please stop trying to bargain on prices


Are you at the markets? Are you at a large appliance/electrical goods store? If you answered no to both of these questions then you CAN’T barter the prices! Please don’t get mad at the 16 year old Christmas casual who had absolutely no say in the price of an item. Please stop yelling.

7. You will know if there’s a sale on


If there is a sale on SOMEONE WILL TELL YOU. Or you might notice the hundreds of posters that would have been placed around the store indicating that there is in fact a sale. No posters? No one mentioned a sale? Chances are there isn’t a sale. But go ahead, ask anyway, ask if there’s a sale on. Just know you are disappointing your grandparents along the way.

8. Get the right item the first time!


Did you just buy a shirt in blue but as you were leaving the store and saw the yellow one and decided yellow is definitely more your colour? That’s cool. But no you can’t just swap it over. You can’t just put the blue one back and take the yellow one. You will once again have to queue up so we can process an exchange for you. Remember how you just queued up for 5 minutes and complained about the queues? Remember that? You were probably yelling at someone over it. Please don’t yell at us because you didn’t see the yellow one before. Do you really want that yellow one? Really, really, really? If so you won’t mind queueing up again for an exchange.

9. You can’t use coupons on top of deals, please stop trying


You’ve got a 20% off coupon? That’s great! But you can’t use that 20% off coupon on top of your buy 2 get 1 free. Your buy 2 get 1 free is already better than 20%. Please stop squawking on about your coupon and how you should be able to get both discounts. Please look at the terms and conditions on your little coupon that 100% will say cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer. Please don’t yell about how you want to speak to the manager. The manager didn’t make that coupon.

10. Don’t ask random sales people to use their staff discount


Please don’t tell me Suzie at the Jindalee store let you use her staff discount. First of all there is no Suzie at the Jindalee store and even if there was there’s no way she would let just some random customer use her discount. Either you pay the same as everyone else or throw a tantrum and take your dishonesty elsewhere.

Coffee and Avocado: The History of The World’s Most Beautiful Romance

Coffee was first discovered by mortals in the early 10th century when one of those idiot Gods accidentally dropped it (probably Zeus he’s a klutz) along with a Ferrero Rocher. Now seeing as anything dropped by the Gods makes you closer to the Gods (logic?), people started drinking it and gaining super powers.

However this was a very specific strand of Coffee which ran out super quickly because the first person to drink it didn’t think to write down the recipe (thankfully the person who discovered Ferrero Rocher was a bit smarter).


A little known fact about Avocado is it was actually first handed to a small Mexican man by a stranger (who we can now confirm was actually aztec god Xochipilli) in form of a tree as early as humans have existed (in fact possibly before then but none of the dinosaurs I know were willing to be interviewed today). The man, much smarter than any of the Gods, planted the tree for harvest, which today we are grateful as Avocados are now available all around the world.


Five centuries later Coffee was eventually rediscovered in Ethiopia and although they suspected drinking it would give them super powers like the original one, all they got was regular old caffeinated. These people were much smarter than the first guy so they figured they better sell some to Yemen, and Mecca, and Medina, and Cairo, and Damascus, and Baghdad, and Constantinople. Basically everywhere. And luckily they did because if Ethiopia had kept all that Coffee to themselves Coffee may have never met it’s soulmate Avocado.

Fast forward a few years and Coffee is making its way over to Europe. Europe is probably going to take credit for both Coffee and Avocado but really we know both of these were simply creations from being much more powerful and pure than us mere mortals. About the same time – while the world was preparing for it’s sweet 16th (hundredth) – Avocado was heading over.

Coffee tried asking Avocado on a date in a little cafe in Malta, however Avocado was much younger than Coffee and wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment and kindly turning down Coffee.


Coffee was distraught, after all Coffee knew it was a gift from none other than the gods and never had been so rejected it’s entirety of existence. It was after this encounter that people started also saying they didn’t like Coffee and turned to the much sweeter alternative Hot Chocolate.

Avocado continued its journey around the world eventually reaching the shores of Australia in the 19th century via message bottle. A young girl who just happened to be walking along the beach discovered the Avocado but the mysterious stranger who put the Avocado into the bottle was clearly a wizard because the young girl could not get it out. She grabbed a rock (after ensuring that it was in fact a rock and not a rock lobster) and smashed the bottle open, in the process smashing the Avocado. It was in this moment that the most cherished dish by white people was invented, the Smashed Avocado.


Coffee was becoming more and more bitter after its reject and decided to save up to go on Contiki. Coffee went to Austria, England, France, Germany, Netherlands and Poland, in hope that visiting land marks during the day and drinking all night would help Coffee get over its heartbreak. But nothing worked, not even drinking Coffee (a weird cannibal like activity which is frowned upon in most societies).


Along the way Coffee had spread its seeds but because coffee is a magical bean from the gods with powers unknown to humankind, it remarkably made its way to Central America and Indonesia without ever actually going there. Just like any half mortal half God, Coffee became power hungry and rather than using its magic for good, used all its efforts to conquer the entire world.

Eventually Coffee found itself in the hipster capital of the world, Byron Bay, where Avocado in all its various forms (smashed and unsmashed) had been hanging out for quite some time, bonding with the locals and learning to surf. Coffee stared Avocado in the eyes, could it be, Coffee’s one true love was right before it in this small town full of hippies and wannabes? Avocado, much older and much wiser now, saw Coffee and just knew they were meant to be.


And in that moment, the romance of the most unlikely pairing of Coffee and Avocado was reignited which brings us to today, the holy matrimony of the two most Godlike substances on this planet, that us mere mortals never deserved.

As for Ferrero Rocher? It’s just chilling, enjoying the mass production lifestyle.



17 Things To Do So You Can Be A Real Adult In 2017

2016, the year of the fake adult is almost over and now is the time to prepare to be a real adult in just 17 easy steps. 

1. Buy an Expensive Looking Light For Your House


Nothing says I’ve got it together like a baroque lampshade featuring stained glassed patterns that glow through the night as you return home from your busy day of being an adult.

2. Stop Chasing Birds


It may be tempting, especially with the knowledge that if you were to race the bird you would most definitely win. But it’s time to stop. Chasing birds is for children and fake adults. Let the birds free, throw them a penny.

3. Have a Discussion With a Stranger at a Bar About the Economy While You Drink an Overpriced Cocktail


This is a triple threat. You’re talking to a stranger, something you should get used to for your consultancy adult job; you’re discussing the economy, a prime topic for adults because everything ties back to the economy; and congratulations you’ve moved on from your basic vodka cranberry to a much more expensive version with a mint leaf, good for you.

4. Return All Your Stolen Traffic Cones


Use that amazing mind of yours to remember all the different locations you have stolen your collection of traffic cones from. Take them back to their origin, where they can be reunited with their traffic cone family.

5. Call Now and Receive a Free Set of Steak Knives!

(source: GIFt Delivery) 

Yes for the first 100 customers if you call now not only will you receive this amazing object that we are selling you, you will also receive free steak knives! Steak knives are amazing because you can use them on things other than steak including carrots! Never pay for steak knives again! Call now!

6. Buy a Newspaper and Read it on Public Transport


That’ll show those old hags who said youths only use technology! Be sure to take up as much space as possible as you turn the pages. Don’t forget to do the crossword but give up when it’s 90% complete because you don’t know a 13 letter word for occurring by chance in a beneficial way (Serendipitous FYI).

7. Add More Adjectives to Your Coffee Order


If you are not paying at least an extra 50 cents on the standard price of your coffee you’re doing it wrong. Change the milk. Add some flavouring. Get it extra hot.
For example, rather than a flat white try ordering a three quarter full almond milk double shot vanilla latte with absolutely no froth extra hot.
Make sure you take it back because it definitely wasn’t hot enough.

8. Stop Vague-Posting on Social Media


You know who you are.

9. Get a Costco Membership


Nothing says I am a real adult like bulk buying everything! Bulk buy some batteries, some toilet paper, and even a bag of potatoes. When guests come to visit show them your pantry and how many large packets of cereal and rice you own.

10. Invest in $30 Bottles of Wine Instead of the $5 Ones


Bring it out at dinner parties! Let all your friends know that you bought it from the middle shelf instead of the top shelf! Pour it into a nice looking glass! Drink it! Celebrate! You are now middle class!

11. Wake Up Early on a Sunday to go to the Markets and Eat Some Poffertjes With Your Mother


Let your mother know you are doing well, getting plenty of sleep, eating your greens, and brushing your teeth. As a reward she will pay for your poffertjes and possibly a fruit juice.

12. Visit a Lake House and Discover Yourself Along With a Family of Ducks


Follow the trail of stepping stones to the lake right next to the lake house where a small lost duckling will lead you to it’s family. Don’t be fooled though, the ducks are only near you because of your delicious loaf of bread you always carry around in case you want an emergency jam sandwich.

13. Purchase a Variety of Cookbooks to Display in Your Kitchen


Be sure to purchase ones with famous chefs such as Gordon Ramsay and Nigella Lawson on the cover so people know you are serious about cooking. Learn to use words like delectable, palatable, and succulent when preparing your dishes.

14. Start Watching Less Reality T.V. and More Home Improvement Shows


A great way to transition between the two is watching reality home improvement shows such as The Block but eventually you will come to find Better Homes and Gardens to be quite pleasurable and your home and garden will have never looked better!

15. Throw Out Your Tea Bags and Start Buying Loose Leaf


Tell everyone you like the way loose leaf tea infuses in your 100 degree water so you can really feel the flavour emulsifying through your soul. Lipton simply does not hit the spot anymore.

16. Aquire a SodaStream So You Can Ask Your Guests if They Want Their Water Still or Sparkling


Be sure to also offer other water varieties such as coconut, tonic, or lightly infused with a lemon. Only add red cordial when you don’t have guests over.

17. Put Some Fresh Plants Around the House and Some Fresh Pants Around Your Legs


Fresh plants to show you are caring like a mother to a child, fresh pants to show you know how to do laundry, both key components to becoming a successful adult.


An Open Letter to Tenplay

Dear Tenplay,

It was a regular Tuesday night when I received a message from my friend saying:


I get excited. I haven’t had a chance to watch my favourite tv show Family Feud in some time due to moving home and not yet owning an antenna.

I haven’t really used TenPlay that much before. If I’m there I’m usually looking to rewatch an article from The Project, but I’m never after a full episode. But today was different. Today I was going to watch my favourite show hosted by the marvellous Grant Denyer, Family Feud. I arrived home, made some dinner, set up my laptop to play off the telly and headed to

There it was, almost as if it was expecting me, All Star Family Feud: The Bachelors vs The Bachelorettes.

(source: Sunshine Coast Daily) 

The show starts with a set of ads, which does disappoint me to a degree as I am used to Netflix where I can simply sail through a show without disruption. But I remind myself, if I were to be watching this on regular TV, I would be sitting through ads as well.

I hear the majestic start up music and the voice over telling me it is time for Family Feud. I’m excited, there is Grant Denyer, looking chipper as ever, ready to host a great game.

To the right, the Bachelors, I recognise Osher, next to him Richie, and two others who I couldn’t tell you who they were. To the left there is Georgia who’s face is familiar, Alex is next to her, and two other girls who once again I am not familiar with.

The show starts. Round one, a classic round, no bonuses, just raw honest-to-goodness Family Feud. All is good at this point, I’m enjoying the show, having a laugh, and playing along at home.

(source: digital spy)

An ad break comes along. It’s a little bit jarred, not the flawless transition between show to ad that I’m used to from live to air television. But it’s fine I let the ads go by, getting excited for round 2 of Family Feud.

A little jagged again but Family Feud returns with Grant Denyer smiling ear to ear ready to continue this glorious show. The game runs along smoothly, with the odd answer or two from the contestants with the boys taking the lead. I had almost forgotten All Star Family Feud had more rounds than regular Family Feud. It’s fine though, makes the lead up to my favourite round, Fast Money, all that much more exhilarating. Another round goes by, this time double points, giving the girls a chance to claim the lead, when another ad break starts.

Once again the cut is abrupt, but this time was different. Something was wrong. I guessed maybe my internet just needed to buffer, it happens on the best of video streaming services. Still, something is not right. My fears are slowly confirmed as I start to hear the audio for this advertisement play but watch as the picture does not move an inch.

(source: make a gif) 


Still, could just be my internet. I’ll let it sit for a bit as I happily munch away at my pasta, after all, my favourite round Fast Money is coming up!

(source: Mums Lounge) 

I sit there for about 5 minutes as my frozen screen doesn’t budge.

Don’t panic.

I’ll just take it out of full screen, that usually fixes things.

I leave the comfort of my couch to approach my laptop as my left hand emerges to hit the escape button.

Wait a minute, why is it still in full screen?

Maybe the computer didn’t realise I hit the button. It’s okay we all make errors, I once again hit the escape key.

Nothing. My screen is still frozen. This is not good. I’m going to have to close the tab.

(source: Network Ten) 

It’s fine, I can just reopen and find my place. I’m not happy about it but it’s okay because I remember Grant Denyer is there and I remember my favourite round Fast Money is coming up. Reluctantly, I raise my hand to hit both the command and the w key at the same time, indicating to my computer that I wish to close the tab.

Okay what?

This frozen ad is still here. It’s still in full screen, it’s still open, and it’s still not All Star Family Feud.

It’s fine, maybe my simultaneous key pressing was slightly out of sync and I just need to concurrently push these two buttons again, being more aware of my timing to show my computer that I mean it. I want to exit the tab.

(source: Daily Mail) 


Now at this point I am mad. I’m mad because the next step isn’t just closing a tab. It’s closing Chrome completely, meaning not only would I lose my spot in this episode of All Star Family Feud, I would also lose all the other tabs I had open. I’m not happy. I came here to watch All Star Family Feud with Grant Denyer and his Bachelors and Bachelorettes. I know for certain I did not open because I wanted to freeze my computer.

Hesitantly, I move my finger from above the W key one over to the Q key. I am going to quit Chrome. I lower my fingers to hit both the command and the Q keys in unison, preparing myself for Chrome to disappear.


Why is it still there?

In frustration, I hit the keys multiple times, why won’t it quit!?

At this point, I know there is no other option, a tear trickles down my face as I realise I’m going to have to shut down my computer. How could you do this to me Tenplay? I thought we were friends? I only came here to have a night of smiles, laughter, and joy, but instead I am hurt, betrayed, and scared.

My right hand trembles as I slowly glide it over the keyboard to reach the power button. The key is shining in comparison to the rest of my keyboard. Why you ask? Well, I barely need to use it. But today, today I am giving the power button a turn. Shaking, I let my index finger lower onto the power button, press, and hold.

(source: Network Ten) 

Tenplay, I’ve been hurt before, people have called me names, pushed me around, and really played with my mind. But let me tell you, out of all of these experiences, being betrayed by the server who was hosting my favourite show, Family Feud, RIGHT before my favourite round of Fast Money is going to start, that cuts the deepest.

Finally, the screen goes black as all power is taken away from my laptop.
I’m devastated, shattered, and overwhelmed with a combination of sadness and anger.
Tenplay you left me with so many questions.


Who wins? Is it The Bachelors or The Bachelorettes? Who plays Fast Money? Do they make a fool of themselves? Do they win the $10,000? Are there any other ridiculous answers coming up that I didn’t get to see? How does the triple points round go? What were the other questions that they surveyed 100 Australian’s to find the answers for? Does anyone pick up Grant Denyer at the end of the show?

Tenplay, you not only froze my computer, you froze my heart. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust you again. What’s to stop you freezing my computer during another episode of one of my favourite television programs?


If I can take anything away from this traumatic experience it is:

1. Don’t trust streaming services you’re not used to (Netflix can stay)
2. Buy an antenna so you don’t miss anymore episodes of Family Feud

Yours Sincerely,


22 Things To Do When You’re 22 Because The World Is Ending Anyway

I’m not sure what happened this year, but anyone who thought 2012 was the apocalypse has something coming for them. So in light of recent events I’ve created a bucket list (more like fuck-it list) for those aged 22.

img_3652(source: onsizzle)

1. Fail Geography


The world is screwing you. Literally. I don’t need to remind you of a recent presidential election because it’s all over your news feeds. Failing geography is the ULTIMATE way to get back at the world. It’s like saying, hey guess what world, I don’t give a damn where your countries are cause you don’t give a damn about me. Take that Earth!

2. Drink 22 Cups of Coffee** in One Day


Yes okay, there is an extremely high chance you will have a heart attack but really what good is a heart when the world is turning into an extreme dictatorship? Drink the coffee **(or your choice of other caffeinated beverage) instead, it’ll be funny.

3. Invent Your Own Instrument and Learn How to Play It


Gone are the days when saying to someone “yeah I play the guitar/piano/any other generic instrument” was cool. Now say you invented the Glucasheer? No one else can play that! You will literally get flooded with booty calls and marriage proposals because there is nothing more sexy than a glucasheerist! Unf!

4. While You’re At It, Invent a New Language


Haabuaa chon %%2 Grakt!  I bet you don’t know what I just said. No one does cause I’m the only one who can speak Liananese. You too could be as impressive as me and all you have to do is invent your own language, easy! You don’t even need to remember it because you invented it so you can just adapt as need be. GK#agewa!!!

5. Have Sax


No that wasn’t a typo. I want you to go find something that starts with Sax and have it. Options include Saxophone, my friend Saxon, Saxony, or Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. Get creative. Go have Sax.

6. Get a Tattoo.


LITERALLY enough excuses, stop lying to yourself, you know you want one. If you’re stuck for ideas get a dog wearing a space helmet. Or a taco. There is something out there for you, now go permanently stick it on your body.

7. Rock


This one is open to interpretation. This could mean go to a rock concert and do devil fingers; pick up a rock, take it home and care for it as you would your own child;  or simply sit in a corner of a room and rock back and forth, after all the world is ending.

8. Visit a Graveyard


You may never end up in one of these places because the planet is going to explode when we all  eventually get consumed by the sun. Just another thing previous generations have taken away from us.

9. Do Stand-Up


You can borrow some of these jokes it’s fine, I don’t even know who owns the copyright to them anyway.

“I think people who like semi-sundried tomatoes are impatient!”
“Did you hear they opened a cafe on the moon? Yeah the coffee’s good but there’s no atmosphere!”
“Do you think Bruce Willis will keep making action movies cause you know what they say about old habits!”

10. Don’t Start a Blog


The market is already saturated. Read mine instead. Even when you aren’t 22. Just read it okay!

11. Watch a Movie


Chances are you’ve already done this before but I highly recommend you watch at least 1 movie while you’re 22. Maybe 2 if you’re feeling adventurous. There are no limits to how many movies you can watch. Do it. Watch 200 if you want.

12. Steal Some Steel


Think about how meta this is. I dunno where you’re going to find the steel, maybe Bunnings (don’t steal from Bunnings that’s so unaustralian) or an abandoned building site. Just do it. Once you’ve done it you will then reach Nirvana.

13. Paint Your Nails


“Err but Liana I’m a dude and all I care about is making sure everyone knows I’m hetero?” WELL guess what random hetero who I don’t even know is reading this, PAINT YOUR GODDAMN NAILS I AM SICK OF EXCUSES.

14. Play Poker While Lady Gaga’s Poker Face Plays in the Background On Repeat


This is self-explanatory.

15. Listen to Taylor Swift’s 22, Listen to Lily Allen’s 22, Write a Comparative Essay


Bonus points if you find another song called 22 and add it to the essay. Don’t question why you have to write an essay, and to think you thought your essay writing skills from high school would go to waste.

16. Be Demi


demi- |ˈdɛmi| prefix

1 half; half-size: demisemiquaver.
2 partially; in an inferior degree: demigod.

Add Demi to the front of whatever you wish and be it. This could include demi-fish, demi-shady, demi-Cruella-De-Vil, or even Demi-Demi (either Demi Lovato or my good friend Demi, your choice).

17. Make Some Memeories


Again not a typo. I bet you’re wondering what a Memeory is. Well it’s somewhere between a meme and a memory. Obviously. So instead of the typical making memories, while you’re making memories, add some memes. Try and dig up some vintage memes, really add some spice to your Memeories.

18. Say “Maybe” to Everything For a Day


I’m so sick of being told to always say yes. Saying no is too negative. So say maybe.

“Hey Liana wanna get some drinks tonight?”

“Did you want to disassemble some systematic oppression?”

“Do you want to get hanky panky before you get danky?” (who even says that?)

19. Real Life Mario Kart


Time to get off your Wii and build some real life karts. Dress up as your favourite Mario Bros characters while you’re at it. Also build rainbow road. Don’t let your dreams be dreams.

20. Befriend a local Murder of Crows


Crows will remember you. You should befriend them because when the earth does become post-apocalyptic crows are going to have your back. Crows before hoes.

21. Write your memoirs


I know what you’re thinking. I’m only 22 how could I possibly have enough to say to fill up an entire 1,000 page novel? Look this isn’t my problem but if you follow the rest of this list you’ll have loads to talk about (see: stealing steel).

22. Give me $100


Contact me directly I’ll give you my bank details. Cheers.
(I also accept cash, cheque, or Paypal).

That’s Not My Name

Please press play on this song while you admire the many different ways people have attempted to spell my name at coffee shops.

The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name

The Ting Tings’ official music video for ‘That’s Not My Name’. Click to listen to The Ting Tings on Spotify: As featured on We Started Nothing.

Let’s start with a simple one, only one letter off not so bad.


For some reason people love adding extra letters to my name.


… lots of extra letters…


I’m not entirely sure how, but more than one person decided this was the best way to spell my name.


As for this person…


…I don’t think they even tried.

Retail Woes

“Hey Liana, what do you do for work?”
“I’m a retail slave”

A gust of wind breezes past as the words uttered out of my mouth hit one of two reactions

“I’m so sorry”

I started working in the illustrious retail industry back when I was 16 and scored my first Christmas job.  This was after doing my time working for ~the fresh food people~ and deciding there were better ways to earn a living than selling groceries, so why not try other sorts of retail?

I should mention here that I actually do love my current job I get to work with amazing people and 90% of the time we actually have really pleasant customers.

But that 10%, boy do they grind your gears.
I’d just like to share some examples of some real conversations I’ve had with customers over the years:

Me: “Would you like you to put your items in one of our $2 charity bags today?”
Customer: “How much are they?”
Me: “$2, and they go towards our charity”


Me: “Hey, how are you?”
Customer: “JUST LOOKING!!!!!!!!!”


Customer: “Hey I’m looking for this item that I saw in store two years ago, do you still have it?”
Me: “… two years ago?”
Customer: “yeah do you still have it?”
Me: “we don’t even have the same stock as one week ago….”
Customer: “are you getting it back?”
Me: “I’m gonna have to say no, but you could always try our DFO stores?”


Customer: “hey do you have this item in stock?”
Me: “No sorry I had a look for it earlier and we’re out of stock on that one”
Customer: “can you just check out the back?”
Me: “I checked out the back earlier for it, we don’t have it.”
Customer: “Just go have another look you might have missed it!”
Me: *reluctantly heads to the back room knowing for certain we don’t have the item the customer wants*
Me: *stands in the backroom for a few minutes, grabs some water, checks phone messages, comes back out*
Me: “sorry we don’t have it”
Customer: “Oh okay well thanks for looking!”


Customer: “why is it this price? online it’s different!”
Me: “our online store runs separately to in store so the sales are different sometimes”
Customer: “but I got an email saying it was this price online!”
Me: “unfortunately that would be the online price which is different to in store”
Customer: “can you just give it to me at this price?”
Me: “…. no?”
Customer: *storms out the store in a rage because they don’t understand the internet*


Me: “Just so you know at the moment you’re buying two of these items for $14 but if you grab a third one you can actually get all three for $10, so you save money!”
Customer: “But I only want two?”
Me: “I’m just letting know it actually comes out cheaper if you grab another one, you save money!”
Customer: “No I just want two.”
Me:“okay well if you’re sure”
*same customer walks back two minutes later with third item*
Customer: “Actually I do want three can you give me my money back and I’ll have this one?”
Me: *tries to remain calm*


Customer: “hey I bought this two years ago and it stopped working, can I have a refund?”
Me: “Two years ago….?”
Customer: “yeah and it doesn’t work anymore so it’s faulty so I want a refund”
Me: “I’m just going to go grab a manager….”


And of course my all time favourite….

Me: Just so you know because you’re making a purchase today you can actually grab one of our –
Customer: *Proceeds to place hand in my face* NO!! I find it so disrespectful when people try to sell me things I don’t want!!
Me: “… so that comes $18.95…..”

(source: O&O, Inc)