Turns out there are more ways to be a Scroogey-Grinchy-McHating customer than first imagined in Part 1 of How To Not Be An Asshole Customer This Festive Season!
So I present to you, part 2: more pro tips to ensure your shopping experience is pleasant for everyone involved.
1. For The Love of All Things Good, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO RETURN ITEMS YOU ARE CLEARLY NEVER GOING TO GET A REFUND ON???
I truly cannot believe the amount people will try to get away with? Like who tries to return a block of chocolate they already ate? Because this was something I encountered this week, with this person asking for a new one? Really? Do you really think I was just going to give you another block of chocolate for free? WOW.
2. Don’t be that person who asks to speak to the manager
I’m going to let you in on a secret. 95% percent of sales staff are totally competent. Yes there are a few splattered around who aren’t fantastic at their jobs, but if we know the answer to your question we are going to tell you the exact same thing a manager is going to tell you. You know what else? If we don’t know the answer, we will go and find a manager on our own accord! Please stop asking for the manager they’re too busy for your BS.
3. Don’t be the “If there’s no price that must mean it’s free!” person
Over 100,000 people have already beat you to this totally not hilarious joke The first time it was said it wasn’t funny, it’s still not funny the millionth time. In fact this joke is so un-funny that Harold Holt has returned from the ocean to tell you to stop.
4. Please stop leaving random products around the store
Did you honestly believe that the pair of shoes you no longer wanted belonged on the jewellery stand? Why would you think this? What was it about that jewellery stand that made you go “hmm you know what this stand full of jewellery is missing? A pair of shoes!” Please if for some reason you can’t remember where the item you picked up belongs, find the nearest shop assistant and they’ll be more than happy to put it away for you!
5. While you’re at it, please stop leaving rubbish around the store
I feel like I’m giving away so many shop secrets today, so here’s another one. EVERY STORE HAS A BIN. Wild I know! It’ll most likely be behind the counter so if you do need to chuck something away and for some reason you simply cannot leave the store to find the shopping centres closest bin, chances are we are more than happy to take your rubbish and throw it away! But if you just leave it on a table or on the floor somewhere around the shop, just remember we all have Freddy Krueger on speed dial and will be sending him into your dreams tonight.
6. Don’t be banging on shut doors asking if we’re “still open”
Of course we’re still open that’s obviously why the gate is shut? NO WE ARE NOT OPEN. What is it about a shut gate that made you think we would still be open? At 10pm? What store is still open at 10pm? Are you at a 7-11? Clearly not because they don’t shut their doors they’re always open. Please go home and go to sleep!
7. Don’t be that person who waits outside the store for the gates to open
Seriously who does this? Haven’t you heard of getting a coffee? Please leave our store in peace while we prepare for the day and once the clock ticks past nine then you can slowly migrate into the store (don’t run), coffee in hand, like a normal human being. What on earth do you think is going to sell out at 9:01? Nothing, that’s what. Take your time you’ve got all day. Or better still please go back to bed and have a sleep in.
8. Check the size BEFORE you buy the item!
I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to queue up for a change room, I’ve bought many items without trying them on, simply guessing my size (and have pretty much always been right) so no sweat there. But if you know you are a size 10, please don’t bring a size 4 up to my counter. Did you even look at the tag? Cause this isn’t going to fit. And then you’re going to want to return or exchange it. And we already covered why that makes you an asshole in part 1. Same goes with shoes, phone cases (I’m sorry but a case for an iphone 5 is not going to fit your 6 plus, why did you buy this?), and rings.
9. Don’t be on the phone while you’re at the counter
Are you on the phone to your dying mother in hospital? If so why on earth are you shopping right now go be with your dying mother. Otherwise, there is no reason why you can’t put your phone down for the 30 seconds each transaction takes so we can tell you important things, like how much your total comes to? And then you can tell us important things, like how you’re an asshole who uses American Express, and in return we can tell you how much extra you’re going to pay for being an asshole who uses American Express. Being on the phone actually makes the transaction take longer because we have to wait for a moment to jump in and say what is needed and then end up repeating ourselves 100 times because you’re listening to the person on the phone. Just put the goddamn phone down!
10. If you break something, tell someone!
Same applies for if you spill some drink or knock over a display. Most stores are really chill about accidental breakages, the ones that aren’t will have signs everywhere saying something along the lines of “you break it, you pay for it.” We only want to know that it’s broken so we can clean up the mess and follow whatever our stores procedure for adjusting stock is. Don’t just leave the mess for someone to accidentally stand on and hurt themselves, please let someone know!